am at the hotel in Korea

thought flying business class was a whole new experience, but we have been to the Sheraton before.
It is nice.
to get there an hour late and then take a nice shower...
I have serious ideas about what that shower should be used for.
But they're slightly inappropriate for blogging :P

I kinda wrote lyrics on the plane. I kinda like them.
Now all i need to do to keep them alive unlike all the other ones is to come up with an alright tune to it...
so far, NOT bad! YAAAAY!!!

Also, after watching all seasons of That 70s Show this past month, i can not take Ashton Kutcher seriously anymore... I mean, he's adorable and all and almost a good actor... but um, he'll ALWAYS sound like Michael Kelso to me.


Here's another thing... when i was younger, it was fine to sleep over at boys' houses and boys were allowed to sleep over too... and not only that, but they'd sleep on the floor in my room.

but now, no. Guys should not sleep over... in a different room. nothing. nada. not even a little bit.
*sigh*.
parents teach you the wrong thing.

and waiting in Korea

flight was nice.
don't really want to be here...
not only do i hate the idea of leaving again, i don't particularly like korea.

oh well, i'll be out in 24 hours.

what one thinks when boarding a plane...

WOOOOOO! Business Class!!  Go Daddy!!!!
                Yeah... that's right, slightly cute boy... you walk away!!     =P
If wonder if this whole plane has christmas decorations... maybe it's only in business class...?

Yes, yes, yes... put the oxygen mask on yourself first before assisting others...
we know...
Is it bad that i'm imagining the plane scene in Garden State?
                                                                         Speaking of which... I need to rewatch that movie.
OOooh
Almost Takeoff!! My nose is runny.
                          I LOVE travelling when I'm sick...
                                                         </sarcasm>

Didn't daddy think that maybe we'd be interested in sitting near the window? =P
     Oh... the light's gone out. How am I supposed to write!?
How inconsiderate!
   FRICK! MY REMOTE WON'T RETRACT!! Oh wait...
there's a button.
       Silly business class and no need to use force...

  I'mma gonna take a nap. My iPod playlist is called "direction", because that's what I'm looking for. It's got 750+ songs in it... Bands like The Kooks, The Shins, The Smiths, Sondre Lerche, Jeff Smith -
                         WOAH... Fast!! Feels like driving with James!    =P
Coldplay, Sleigh Bells, A Tribe Called Quest, MGMT, We are the Emergency, and lots of others... Will be a good trip.
Now. . . for that nap!               Oooh... Popping ears!

That's right... I wrote it all down as the plane was taking off. Because i'm cool and I have a life!!
I'm really tired... I've had three hours sleep. My eyes hurt.
Also, I have Jack's Mannequin, Something Corporate and Scouting for Girls on this playlist... yay.
owie.

off to visit the family..

oh yay.

there's one grandmother who has crazy moodswings, and the other isn't always in a good mood...
and THEN there's my dad's aunts! HAHAHAHA
I like one of them. The others can just shove it.
You know who else is dreadful? My aunt.
she's a pessimistic cow, who shuts down everyone's dreams then says she's being realistic.

They're gossipers and make rumours.
not the nicest of people, but some of them have kids in their 20s to late 30s... those guys are AWESOME!
My female cousins around my age...
not such great people. they're about the same as their mothers... actually, now that i think about it, each daughter is her mother's clone.
Each one about as fake as the last.
It's a lovely outlook on one's family, isn't it?
it's also part of the reason i prefer guys to girls! I mean, if you think about it...
How many girl bands stayed together for over 6 years?
(and i mean like the Spice Girls... with just girls)
and why is that? because girls are backstabbing little &!7(#%$...
*smileyface*
aaaanywho...

Maybe i can do something productive with my time?
I'll try my best!

I.HEART.MOSAIC.

It's a community where everyone's genuinely interested in you and care!!
YAY!!!
it's seriously already like family!
I feel so loved when I'm there!!

And I took a friend of mine, one who's not really into the whole church thing and stuff, but he liked it!
walking back home, we got to talking and he mentioned that it'd be fun to get to know everyone more when he goes again next time!
*headsplosion!*
He's REALLY not into religion or anything like that...
but the cool thing about mosaic is that it's natural, it's fun and it's free!
there's no set program, or dictated schedule!

I mean, it's incredible.
it's made someone who has never even really gone to a church actually think, "hey, i'd like to go back there. that seemed like a great time and a lot of fun"
it was also my one month anniversary at mosaic :D
There's just so much love it makes everyone feel welcome!

What if he ended up becoming a christian?
*heartsplosion!*
happy tears!

Ninja, kick that midget's ass!

Purple Rain is the PRINCE of all songs!
get what i just did there?

Things I have learnt from my non-brothers over leavers' week

Ryan: It doesn't matter that a person doesn't understand what you're implying when you're making fun of them, it's still hilarious! Also, that if something has been written on a setlist, it goes! :D

Owen Hopewood: <that in itself is funny!
How to turn a guitar into a stool, that life is always better when you're excited about everything, and how amusing it is when someone else's name gets misspelt.

Sean: BESTIE!!! When performing, to not use a "disclaimer"
Taught me that Superman can drop you off at a job interview :P

Bradley: What the best snares are made from, how, where, who buys them, and the importance of taking one's shirt off in the first set.

James: That the good days are the ones when you haven't died... from going 4-wheel-driving by holding onto the back of a 4-wheel-drive...
how to manage a band; how electricians and sound guys change their attitudes when there's a lady around; and how to better discourage authority! YAY!!

Jeff: That it's never "Dull" to listen to the same two songs repeatedly (see what i did there?); how to pluck up the courage to sing for the first time with a mic; that when you're super good on the guitar, you can pick up a ukulele and do whatever you want with it; and how in less than a month, it's all just like family...
and you and James also taught me how boys think, and just how socially retarded christian boys are.

Thanks for everything guys!
and for a great week!

if only they read my blog and actually knew how great it would be to have guys like them as brothers.

PS one day I'll think of that word.

deserve a nobel smartness prize!

I've have figured out the guy problem.
how to make all guys start treating girls better and stop being so pathetically in love with themselves!
(not that all guys do this, but they ever start to go back to their original setting, this is how a female can fix it)
tell him to think about this:
treat the girls the way you'd want your daughter to be treated by a guy.

unless they are severely unhinged and crazy, in which case, you should probably run very far away, this should work quite well, as many guys want the chance to be a father, and many guys would actually like to have a daughter.

see, secretly, they're all kinda caring and want someone that they can treat like a princess.

also, if he has a little sister who's at least 6 years younger than him and doesn't treat her like a little princess, that's just a little warning...
well, you know i can't stand siblings who ignore each other, so that might just be me...
who knows?

anyway, i think it's actually a pretty good idea.

kitty's sleeping on my elbow.

it's VERY hard to type this way...

so, just a quick run down:
This past week, i had my lit exam, wrote a lot...
cut my hair short, but not as short as i wanted it.

tuesday, went to a friend's house, swam, and then realised that some people are absolutely self involved and don't really understand the idea of serving someone or of caring about people.

wednesday was mum's birthday, she turned 54, i dressed up like a drag queen, then watched the midnight screening of harry potter...

which leads us into thursday.
did nothing! YAY!

Friday, french exam, photography exam, fell asleep in the car, got home, showered, got ready, went to graduation dinner, went to afters, ended up sleeping at afters and got elbowed in the face nine times, kicked in the butt twice, and had someone sit on my boob (i know, it makes no sense!)

today, have been staying awake as much as i can so that i can have a good night's sleep before leavers, but now i feel like i've ¿over-waked?
meh, have been organizing the list of stuff i need to take to dunsborough in my head, and have been getting chords for songs since, apparently, through no say of mine (which means: i have no say in this at all), I'm singing in the acoustic tent of The Zone.

fun, huh?

alrighty then...
TIME TO GET SOME SLEEP BECAUSE TOMORROW, I LEAVE FOR DUNSBOROUGH!

PS
i may also probably not have any internet connection, but i'll write up little tid bits and post them whenever i can... asap.

man, i'm tired.

i need a new phone charger.
must talk to dad about that.....
remind me to talk to daddy about that.
kthxbye

i wish i had the guts to tell you

how much i profoundly dislike you.

craving kebab

chicken kebab... with cheese and egg and sour cream...
*sigh*

yesterday was mum's birthday...
I waitered as a drag queen and got paid for it...
now, we have no food in the house and i haven't eaten since 11am.

as you can see, i have every right to be quite crabby.
i feel like killing certain people and hugging others...

mostly, i'm hungry.
GRR.

also, i'm tired of people acting all nonchalant just because they think it makes them cool... like,
"HEY! WE'RE GRADUATING!!! WOOOO!"
"meh, no big deal"...
WHAT!?
is that like, some kind of thing that says, i'm too cool to feel emotion...
too cool for excitement.
excitement shows weakness, fool!
well you know what, i'll tell you where you can shove your coolness!

*clears throat*
have a good night, and thank you for reading.

I desperately want a scooter.

my dad wants to buy me a car...
one, scooters are cheaper, and cute, and stuff...
I really want one!

This is my dream ^_^

but really, any scooter will do..
did you know that there's one that runs on electricity??
ALSO! I WANT THIS ONE!
http://www.vmoto.com.au/The-Range/Milan.html

sigh sigh sigh...

am i obsessed, you ask?
NO!
I just would prefer this to a car...
i'll just use mum's car when i need to.

YAY! EVERYBODY'S HAPPY!!

hiiiiii

i love my ukulele.
thank you all!!!

i hate exams

EVERYONE BUT ME SEEMS TO BE DONE, OR FINISHING BEFORE ME!!!
i'm not one to be nervous about exams but they seem to have sapped me of any goodness in my life and it's so annoying that i am actually freaking out a little.
it's retarded!
i just want it to end. it's taking too long!!
i can't even take in any information anymore!!

this is all i shall write tonight. then i hope to be free.
forever!!!!!!!!!!!

hardrive is still in my USB port and i've been dragging my laptop around... oops

i've been playing my ukulele in between tears today.
been contemplating non school related things in my future and things to do with friends.
at one point, was sitting in the middle of my room sobbing. my cat came to comfort me.
she's good like that.

i just read over that first sentence and realised how stupid it seems to play a ukulele when upset. like, a ukulele is a happy instrument, right?
whatever.

anyway, i feel lonely and pathetic a lot now.
i can't wait for exams to be over so that my mind can bother worrying about other things.

"hey now, the straw dog's out in the street"

i can't trust you

i tell you everything, and i listen to everything you want to say.
i ask you questions and make sure you feel okay.

but at the same time, i want to cry to you,
i want to tell you what's on my mind.

i'm just scared that when the tears come, you'll up and push me away.

and featuring...

i want to be specific in what i want in a guy.
i want there to be something out there to keep me accountable.
that i'd pick the guy i really want.

GUY:

must have a talent of sorts (whether or not he thinks it's there, just as long as he shares it with me)
must be able to be genuine and trust me
must feel comfortable around me
must be able to tell me how he feels
must be able to treat me like i'm precious
must have some sort of romantic aspect (whether it's sharing one secret or being overly romantic... does special little kind things)
must have some sort of ambition and passion
must not put me second to anything in his life, unless it's for my own good
must have a sense of humor
and good taste in cars.
must support my decisions and still be completely brutally honest with me (without hurting me... sounds like a trap, huh?)
he should be able to treat me with respect
he should be absolutely amazing at being seductive...
and kiss really well. :P
also, his family must love me.

and lastly, he must be taller than me.
much taller than me. well, not that much... just perfect. like enough for me to fit in his arms, and stuff.
and older...
and have nice hands.
and the most important one, must be someone i can trust and will look good in my grandfather's jumper.
cool.

today, i sat in front of you and i asked you.
you told me things most people probably don't know.
(but then, most people don't ask)
you lent me a hand to understand the way you are.
i had tears in my eyes as you told me about your dad.
but you were too busy to see me cry.

i hurt for you.

and now, all i want to do is take you home with me.
cuddle up to a movie.
bake you a cake. (whichever one you like best)
tuck you into bed, sing a lullaby over your dreams.
i want to hug you and hold you, let you know you're never alone.
make you breakfast in the morning.
french toast like you like it best. (of course, not too much cinnamon)
i want to look down at your hands and run my fingers over all the scars you have there.
over all the times you've worked hard, all the times you've been clumsy, and all the times you got angry.

i want to make you feel secure in the idea that i'm a friend that will always be there.
that i'm someone you can always count on.
because i think there's a part of my heart that belongs to you.

to comfort you.

family buzz

so, daddy bought me this white gold bracelet for graduation, but it looks so frail and delicate...
I was a bit upset because that meant i couldn't wear it all the time, and i really wanted to.
so i talked to mummy, and she had this idea,
she had wanted daddy to buy me a thomas sabo charm bracelet that she'd found, but he wanted to be the one to choose the bracelet, so he picked this one in Korea.
Anywho, mummy surprised me yesterday when i got back from my first exam and there it was!
A tiny little round Thomas Sabo box... I opened it to find that she had bought an Orange Converse Allstar charm!
now, i CAN wear it everywhere! :D

eyes were opened

even after a pretty darn good day,
i come home... all i can do is feel tired and lonely.

i can't wait till tomorrow, already got some stuff to do, and will bring you a video.
<3

god put a smile upon my face

I have never felt so light and so free.
I've just realised exactly what it is i'm passionate about and what it is i want to do.
i need to get this feeling down right now.
i'm smiling non stop and i'm crying too.
this is true joy.

okay, so I was just in the shower, and as many know, i take so long in the shower that i need to listen to music in order to be able to control how long i'm in the shower. anywho, I was listening to Brooke Fraser's song "Betty" when, as usual, i started to visualise a music video to it and the story within it.
That's when I started to cry.
I felt like i had come up with a great idea.
I felt so confident and comfortable. Not even the least bit scared.
And i see it now, God's put that desire in my heart.

I feel like He's given me the exact desire for what I want to do.
with no strings attached or conditions.
I want to be a Christian Music Video Producer/Director.

I know it sounds strange, but it's the perfect thing, and i feel really blessed to see it now.
I'm so happy.

I'm getting on it straight away, gotta start getting in touch right now!

adult decisions

i think i've chosen the right things for my future...
i think i've got that one right, at least.
i think i've chosen the right uni... it always makes me happy when i'm there...
i think it'll be okay.

sora's smiling at me from my bed...

"and heaven knows i'm miserable now"

the smallest things make me want to cry... and i've realised it's mostly because i feel really lonely most of the time.
sometimes i wish i had a brother.
with a brother, i could yell at him, kick him and love him and i wouldn't have to worry about him ever leaving my side because as my brother he'd have to love me.
i don't understand families where the siblings don't know anything about each other and barely talk at all... it just doesn't make sense to me when they say things like "i never see him!" or "i don't know! i don't talk to her!"
i know that many might really disagree with me, and they have every right to because i don't actually know what it's like to have siblings, but i do have some pretty close friends who are almost like brothers to me and i would LOVE to actually be able to see them all the time and chat with them all the time.

i guess it's because i'm actually pretty lonely...
sad isn't it?

holding hands is sacred

just wanted to make sure you knew that...
if not, well, now you have been informed.

after a long day... (almost typed "klong")

i've got a terrible headache.
and it turns out that i wake up people when they're sleeping.
oops.

i like the minty taste of toothpaste before bed... it's so lovely!

also, I LOVE the lyrics of "Walking By" by Something Corporate... it is SO poetic and beautiful...

yeah, i can't come up with anything.
My mum watches TV way too loud at midnight... and as much as i love Bewitched, Darrin's voice is extremely annoying!

(psssst... I secretly wish that my eyes were green... or that i had lighter eyes... or deep eyes... or eyes that caught peoples' attention... meh. i want prettier eyes)

i only mind how much and how fast he drinks but not the fact that he drinks... what i really do mind is that he smokes.

you know, if he hadn't been so drunk that night, he probably would've been able to tell that i was uncomfortable with the other boy...

i didn't even know that guy and the guy just kept touching me, and being all close to me. The guy wasn't even drunk! The guy only drank Fanta! Completely sober! it was nice to have someone pay attention to me, but it wasn't the person i wanted, and it certainly wasn't the way i wanted. especially not when he started hurting me. luckily i had a friend to assist me. got out of that one unscathed.

i had to keep leaving and going outside. i'd sit by a car, with my legs out on the road. I knew he saw me out there a few times on my own... but he was too drunk.  he was drunk twenty minutes in. if he didn't always change near people, i guess it wouldn't be too bad. but then he starts bragging about how much he's drunk and how fast, and i'm the one who's wanting to get sick.
Still, i don't mind that part too much. It is a stupid thing to do to yourself, especially as often as he does... but then there's the smoking.
that's just ridiculous! It's something that's disgusting, dangerous and really unattractive! i don't even want to imagine what his teeth are gonna look like if he keeps this up... stained from the smoke of the cigarette. to think i love his smile now... what then?
what i find funny is that it's a habit that EVERYONE knows can only cause bad things! why even bother starting?
secretly, i wish he'd stop. for me, you know? show me that he listens when i tell him things... that he'd rather be with me instead of smoking... that way he'd have to stop walking out with other people to smoke. he might actually notice when i'm not feeling okay. but he's always too busy outside. smoking.

i hate that.

i named it for a reason

i was extremely alone when my grandfather died last year. 

i was on exchange in america and got the news like this:

Host mother- your parents called while you were at school

me- oh?

HM- your grandfather passed away yesterday, in hospital

me- oh.

HM- well, they called earlier and told you he was in hospital, it's not like this was unexpected!

me- ... but it was.

i later proceeded to hide in the basement, sit in a weird chair and whimper. 

i've found that i'm actually a bit jealous of my family. 

Other than me and my grandmother (grandmother and I), everyone else seems to be completely over it. i never really see or hear anyone talking about it, everyone seems to have moved on and not given it another thought. maybe it's because they saw the grave, or something... i don't know. 

it seems like i'm stuck. like i'm in this hole and i can't get out. like every time i might get close to the opening i see a photograph, or i just simply get reminded that he's gone. the little things are different, and the big things are different too. 

i graduated and he's not around to call over skype and congratulate me. i just got a poem published in a book, and he'll never read it. 

it's never really going to be the same. 

i'm also jealous because my family spent more time with him. i was 2 when we left brazil and that's basically it. i'd say out of almost 15 and a half years of my life, i spent about 3 and a bit with him... not even. 3 and a bit in the same country... maybe!

yeah, i know... i've got lots of issues i need to get over. but who doesn't? of course, i've been informed by a dear friend that if freud was around he'd have a field day! 

why? just add my parental issues, my sibling, grandfathers' (both) deaths last year, the way both my grandmothers make me feel and my issues befriending other females, and he'd have his work cut out for him! talk about being stubborn. 

but hey, those people who've been "lucky" enough to get close enough to be my friends don't find that hard because i like to hide things. it actually makes life easier pretending like things haven't happened the way they have. 

if i like to hide things, why am i posting this on the internet? well, my dear reader... it's quite soothing actually and makes for interesting chit-chat!

not only that, but if my blog's called a family tree i should at least have a few personal family things on here, right? 

take a turn to the left... then run, shoplifter!

have made a study plan for human biology...
I figure i'll go with prewritten essays and ideas for other subjects, because, as my exams are fairly nicely spaced, i'll have enough time to "re-study" after this week.

I must admit, it's actually a tad depressing to think that i have to sacrifice a perfectly nice week to study and work my mind...
a lot of the time, i'm writing and writing and writing and i don't feel like i'm actually absorbing anything. it all feels robotic and preprogrammed... I wonder if that's going to affect my examination results... I wonder if I'm going to go into that exam, look at the questions, not know the answers but KNOW for certain that I studied it in depth.
That's a scary thought. it's worse than the idea of not knowing anything and going in there knowing that you're screwed and that it's a waste of three hours of your life.
three hours which you can use to practice your poetry skills :P

"when there's no where else to run... is there room for one more son (one more son)? if you can't hold on, if you can't hold on... hold on!"

The Killers are playing on my iTunes.

Also, I'm considering applying for a job at the apple store in the city. they told me to go in with a resumé and talk to a lady there after applying online. i'll get to it after exams if i think i'm up for it...
but i live 20 minutes (on a bus) from the city now, so i'll be alright.
(I'll probably ask them if they meant for macbook pros to have such sharp corners that when i lean my arms on it to type, i get giant red stripes that look like i've been cutting myself?)

I have just realised that I would not mind if more guys complimented by butt... I mean, I'm brazilian, and i'm not exactly a stick... i'm not exactly obese either, but i'm a bit more round... BUT (hehehe) I quite like it!
If I see you out on the street, i don't mind if there's not a not-so-subtle glance at my bum...
lol, i'm an idiot. AND I'm really tired.

Gah, EXAMS ARE EATING MY LIFE! AND MY IMAGINATION!

am listening to The Smiths

this is my first post.
it's strange and new to be doing this, but in honesty i'm awfully scared to put any of this on the interwebs. i mean, people can read stuff on here! but i'm okay with that.
for now.

it's going to be weird to have to actually keep writing something. I mean, i write a lot normally... but not for something. so i'm gonna teach myself discipline.

WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT!?
i don't know...

have you seen Garden State? it's a good movie... i like it.