wedding rings

wedding rings, wedding bands... whatever you want to call them, they are the epitome of symbolism.

they symbolise a person's relationship with another,
they symbolise a lifelong commitment that has been made,
and they symbolise an everlasting love that is one's marriage.

How?
the ring is circular. Circles have no beginning or end, they just continue infinitely.
the ring is worn to represent all these things and it is obvious that it is there.
the ring, is picked out carefully to match the design the couple prefers.
the ring is placed on the person's ring finger, because that finger has a vein which apparently is connected directly to the heart.
the ring is given as a token of their love and commitment in front of many so that they may publicly show their commitment to each other.

i believe that
if a couple is together for the long haul, whether they are married or not... if they want to show others their commitment to each other, and how much their love signifies, i do believe an exchange of rings is one of the most meaningful and beautiful things one can do to show the other just how much their relationship means.

because not only does it symbolise everything i've said up top...
but it's also something many people look for when trying to scope out someone new to flirt with...
so it's kinda like a resignation of a life filled with flirting...

sometimes, i think monogamy would be fun...

La vie aprés l'ATAR

i wish i could do things i wanted. do them the way i wanted.
you know when you picture a scenario in your head? it's like something out of a movie. something that'll never happen the exact way you picture it... if it's by someone else's part in it or something happens which completely derails your plans.

there's things like planning what your ATAR's gonna be...
on the inside, you know that no matter how much it seems to be on a calculator, when you make up possible results, the result's going to be less.

there's things like wanting to fix someone else...
knowing how frustrated and unhappy they are... knowing that if you were there, you could make it much better.

Then there's things like planning how you're going to act when you see someone again for the first time in years...
do you hug them like you used to? do you talk to them like you used to?
are they even the same person they used to be?
are you?

plans don't work that way. the world doesn't work that way. people don't work that way...
and neither does your heart.
that's the most unpredictable of all.

When you finally scroll down to see your ATAR, when you can't console that person the way you know you could, or when you see someone you've been missing for the past 6 years of your life...
you never know what your heart's gonna do.
it'll sink, then continue pumping like nothing's wrong... your heart finds the reasons to go on.
your heart will break for who it can't mend... but then it hardens and makes you go to extra lengths to find something you could do.
it'll get nervous, throw you off balance... but sooner or later, it'll find the person you once knew, and it'll keep you calm.

it goes on and on and on.

i want to impact the world

the future's coming much faster now than before...
it's one day till uni results come out... i have no idea what's going to happen then... but all i know is that it's scary!

My family's told me that if I don't get in, it's okay, because i can do something else and go to uni another way...
i've asked them if they won't be disappointed with me, and they've said no, but i'm gonna be honest... I don't believe that at ALL... I'm TERRIFIED!
if it is true that they won't be all disappointed and give me the "you didn't try hard enough" talk, i'm going to be superly surprised and relieved, but also, i'm going to be disappointed with myself.
but i'm going to figure something out either way.
my life won't stop, i'm gonna keep trying, we'll see...

seventeen forever

am stoked about being older than i was before...
must admit, even though i don't feel older or anything, when i specifically think to myself, hey, you're 17, I actually feel this sort of satisfaction with myself... like it's a little empowering!

anyway... today... had lunch at a lovely place after babysitting Chloe again... SHE'S SO CUTE!!
after lunch, took a nap, then closed my bed so the kids could play.
So, guess what... I celebrated my birthday after all!!
Theo and Susy had a whole bunch of people over including everyone i hung out with yesterday, and it was an awesome fun party!
Shared it with Chloe, but luckily, she was still the main focus of the night.
i didn't want to take that away from her. cute little one-year old.

of course, because of so many children in attendance, the party ended early.
i'm so very very tired... but i'm gonna finish The Rocky Horror Picture Show before sleeping.
it'll be weird dreams for me!
hahaha...

i must be sure to chat to those important to me... will be nice.

i've never had birthday pie before!

still don't feel 17...
And I've written it down twice.
I must admit, writing it down feels awesome as it actually feels like such a step up over 16... like 16 is the age when everybody thinks you're mature and can't do anything right... when your hormones are all over the place and all you want is what MTV is telling you to want and you follow trends all the time. you can't be your own person or make up your own mind.
Well, that's how i felt anyway... powerless. Like no one really cared what i had to say.. like no one felt the need to try to respect me.

however, even if it's the same with 17-year-old me... I'm not letting it happen that way!!

Alright, so, so far on my birthday day...
I got sung a beautifully harmonious "Happy Birthday" by Aleksi, Zyna, Mickey, Ruben, Ivandro, and João.
Zyna brought me a slice of chocolate pie with a candle on it.
Seriously... the BEST pie i've ever had... but it got too sweet by the end... i don't do sugar very well.
Then, Ruben and Mickey dropped me off.
Susy and Theo and the kids were already asleep, so i locked the door, switched off the lights and came to my room.
On my bed there was a present. The CUTEST notebook!
Seriously, i LOVE notebooks... it's kinda sad, but I love seeing my own handwriting, and as many will know, i LOVE to write. so this is PERFECT!!
Plus, the pen that came with the notepad actually worked!
You know, sometimes you get these really cool pens that match the pad they came with, but they never work and you kinda just keep them around to look pretty because you're too attached to it to throw it away? well, this one works!! YAY!!

here's a photo of me at 17...
I don't really feel too different.

So, after this, i cleaned the toys off my bed... and brushed my teeth.
I was SO scared to wake people up, but Chloe's already cried three times since i got home, so if anyone wakes up, it's not may fault...

Alrighty... time to go to sleep...
The first sleep as a 17-year-old!

Let's see where this is gonna go.

productive day

This morning, I got told my luggage arrived!!
YAYAYAYAYAY!!
We picked them up at the airport and dropped off Bianca, Albert and Tina.
Then, Nela and I went to Maccas and had lunch... t'was quite delicious.

Arriving back at the house, Nela and I told Theo and Suzy to go out on the Harley together and have a nice time out.
Tiago (almost three) was put to sleep, and so was Chloe (almost one).
Was LOVELY!
I went and took a shower wuth my own shampoo and put on clothes from my suitcase. Which may not sound like much, but is a loverly thing!

Then, I went for a ride with Theo... we were out for like, ten minutes. Had SO much fun!!
After that, I started watching Young Frankenstein.
Theo and Suzy went out shopping, so I was left with the kids... Chloe and I watched the rest of the movie together. She sat there quietly in my lap, laughed when there were funny bit, and applauded every time she saw a crowd.

Now I'm just watching them, and they're both so cute and polite.
To think that they're both younger than my cousins but are already more mature and easier to work with than the other two...

Tomorrow, it's mine and Chloe's birthday...
In Australia, it's already my birthday.

here's us on the day before our birthday... nomming on my christmas present from Aunty Tanya, Uncle Rubes and Natey...

getting old

not me... I'm still very young...
in fact, sometimes i see just how young i am... other times, i'm actually a little surprised at my own maturity... but there's still a long way to go.
Here's the thing though, i'm kinda scared to get old now.
Imagine it... acting like you know everything, needing help to move around, falling asleep on couches while people are talking to you, talking to people like they've got to do what you say, being completely out of date with EVERYTHING that's going on around you or in the world, having people yell at you because you can't hear, and treating EVERYONE who isn't married or 40, like they're little 5-year olds... unless they're younger, so you treat them like fetuses!

I don't wanna get old!!!
As much as I can, I think this is pretty good motivation to keep my body healthy, stay young looking, mentally young and active... I mean, come on... I don't wanna get old, sit in front of a TV and tell whoever's watching it that I wanna "see animals"... I don't wanna ask some teen if "the thing that's making the noise is that machine"... I feel kinda bad for them because we kinda lose respect for them...
I know that we still do everything they ask, but that doesn't mean we respect them... it just means that we think we should do what they want...
respect is something completely different... where their opinions matter, and that we'll do what they want because we believe they deserve it, or that it's something we do because we want them to feel comfortable right where they are with whatever they're doing.

i'm actually a little scared to get old... like actually old.
like 80 something and alzheimers! not knowing what people are talking about and noticing some eye-rolls because secretly, people have already heard this story a HUNDRED times... but they won't tell me that.

and on that note...
Merry Christmas (i didn't have internet) and Happy Boxing Day

would you lie with me and just forget the words?

doesn't feel like it's going to be christmas tomorrow...
the atmosphere isn't there.

there's no party at my house to be preparing for like crazy, no tree, no presents...
no guests to greet and entertain...

i'm sleeping in my jeans tonight.
my luggage still hasn't arrived, and i put my PJs in the wash. They didn't get washed though... or dried.
christmas spirit, huh?

have you ever wondered if you were needed...
ever wanted to feel like someone wanted you around?
maybe it's the whole maternal thing... the fact that i take care of people all the time, cater to them and serve them... i want to feel like it's missed sometimes. but not just what i do, but me too.

I want my bags to get here.
I want to be able to put on a dress and a lovely jacket tomorrow with nice shoes.
i want to be pretty.

my mum called up the bag people today, and they've said that my bags should be with me by tomorrow at the latest. tomorrow, already being today.
i'm praying for this to be true, but i must admit, i'm skeptical. not that God can't make me get them by tomorrow, but just that i won't be getting them.
i'm not even sure if I'll get them at all. not even for my birthday.

and as far as my birthday goes, i doubt i'm even going to try to celebrate it. I'm only going to be turning 17. it's no big deal.
on my birthday, it's Chloe's first birthday... I'm not even going to try to interrupt those festivities for me. I'll just celebrate with my parents when i get to Korea... or have a small gathering when i get home. but since the 7th of feb is so far away from the 27th of dec, there's really no point in making it about my birthday.
so hey, i'll just skip it. all good.

i think these trips are so difficult for me because i miss friends. i miss a life. i don't have that anymore. nothing.
i've worked on becoming free, earning my parents' trust and all that, just to travel and even with that trust and freedom, have nothing to do.
i feel powerless. no control.

I'm tired of other people feeling like they have to be in charge of me for my own good. i've felt trapped.
it's hard. i don't know if i wanna grow up like this.

when the past comes to greet you

"funny seeing you here"


everyday, you are faced with your past.
but in the case of actually going out of your way to visit your past, you are faced with it more and much harder.
of course, there's lots of things you don't remember about your past, especially when you find you've blocked out a lot of your childhood from your memory. strange, huh?
You meet friends again and realise how much they meant to you and how much you meant to them.
you're forced to remember good and bad things.
things you miss and things you regret.

every choice you make brings up a part of your past.
you must always work from experience.
work backwards before moving forwards... makes sense?
whatever.
made sense to me!!

come away with me.

if there's any request that's ever meant anything to me, it's Norah Jones' song "Come Away With Me"
the few times i've asked... i want it to be true and for the person i ask to say yes.
most of all, what i really want, is the freedom to actually do it.

I want to be able to pack some things and disappear for as long as i want with whoever i want.
spontaneously.
i want "come away with me" to be the beginning of a scary, tear-filled, funny, and memorable adventure.
with no end result other than return.
and no purpose other than change.

That is a dream i'd love to make come true.
i don't know if i'll ever have that chance, but i'll give the opportunity for someone to say yes.
one day maybe.
and then i can return with a story.

tripletrocktimusprimethebulletholes.

alright, got SO many plans... I could totally become a manager for a band!!
I want Rocktimus Prime to play at my 18th Birthday!! (Yeah... I'm already planning THAT far ahead)
triplet's gonna come down to Perth from Lisbon and play a few gigs... then play at my 18th... THAT'D BE AWESOME!!!
the bullet holes: they'll do a few originals... will be AWESOME!!

i'm gonna be honest... i feel special that i actually know people in good bands :P




So, went on a massive quest to the airport to get bags back. they're not here yet.
BUT THEY WILL BE!! AND SOMEONE WILL LOCATE THEM!!!

anyway. yeah.
okay.
done.

so far...

Portugal has already been far more exciting than Brazil... and I mean GOOD excitement...
even with the whole luggage thing, I've had a better day so far than my whole two week stay with family.

Am staying with dear friends Theo and Suzy and they have two really cute kids!!!
today they had a Sunday barbecue with family and friends... kinda like we used to have when I lived here.
As usual, of course, I hung with the men :P
outside, we talked about Harley Davidsons, Meat, Dogs, Women, Marriage, Weddings, and decorations... hehehe

Later on in the day, I watched Man From The Snowy River with Theo's parents and I was surprised at how good an Australian film could be... WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FILM INDUSTRY!!??!?!
Came upstairs afterwards and went outside with Theo, Albert, and Tiago (ADORABLE LITTLE ALMOST-THREE-YEAR-OLD!!!) and we had another go at the barbecue.
Then gathered around the table to eat dinner and Tiago said he was going to sit at the table "next to Ana Vicky"... to be honest, I almost awwwwwed myself to death.
Dinner was also very satisfying, as was lunch.
Talked to Bianca (14, though you wouldn't really say it... she's quite mature, you see.) and we had a fun time... also, boys are silly!
I convinced her to sleep over and so YAY!!!

Now, onto the rant I had planned... Tattoos:
In Brazil, I saw SO many girls with tattoos, and I must say, if you want a tattoo done nicely, DON'T get it done in Brazil. THEY'RE SO UGLY!! The actual pictures are ugly and then the lines are waaay too thick.
Anyway, I saw this woman... kinda old... with awful legs. Tanned, wrinkled, and it looked like her legs had been lyposuctioned but she was yet to get a surgery to get rid of all the extra skin. IT WAS GROSS!!
But it got me thinking: what happen to tattoos when you get old?
This woman had a tattoo on her calf... I think it was meant to be a koi fish... or a lotus flower. You could seriously NOT make out what this tattoo was meant to be!!
This woman must've been like 60... seriously! But it's not like she was ashamed or anything... SHE WAS WEARING A TINY LITTLE DENIM MINISKIRT!!!!! also, SCARY THIGHS!!
It was so gross, you just couldn't look away... like some sort of disgusting fungus or something.
Anyway, if someone gets a tattoo, it's permanent... and it hurts... and you get addicted once you get one done.
To get it off, you have to do a surgery with lasers that hurts SO much more!!!
When you're old, tattoos look very strange and weird!!
On holidays, for fun, do Henna!! That's always fun! and it comes off! Or airbrushed tattoos...
I don't know... Or find a place on your body that doesn't show all the time, or doesn't age much...
It's SO MUCH HARDER FOR WOMEN!! anyway.
end of rant.

flight to: lisbon

today's blog was going to be about tattoos...
BUT:

hey, guess what!!
they lost my bags.
so... yeah.
mum took the ticket with my bags' codes on it with her to korea... so i have to wait for her to get there to get the proper info for my bags.

you know what?
none of this would've happened if i'd stayed in australia... okay, that's it! Next time, I'm tying myself to the stairs!

the impotence of being earnest.

i blog.
i tried to vlog.
i find it's SO much easier to express myself in writing.

well, i'm on my way to portugal now... will be fun... am kind of apprehensive due to the whole "rejected by the people who were gonna have me at their's" thing.

I'm determined. I'm gonna go somewhere, and I'm gonna do something.
you just watch.

these simple words

today had been quite a nice little peaceful day. I woke up at 7, then we went back to São Paulo at 9. We arrived around 11:00...
Had lunch with my aunt and had an enjoyable time.
Watched Big Bang Theory off the web and went across the road to get stuff for mum.

we just had dinner. it was lovely, my uncle's sister and their cousin came and we had a pretty tasty meal. my cousin arrived a little late and her brother had already finished eating... we all sat down to watch a really gripping soapie and as the cherries were being placed in bowls to be given out as dessert, my boy cousin came downstairs after having just talked to his dad. the next few words he said completely changed the day.
"mummy, grandma just died"

immediately, my uncle's sister began to sob, mourning her mother's passing... my aunt and my cousin just cried. Everyone had their head in their hands.

if one is to feel powerless, these are the moments.
She was not my grandmother, and i don't know if i ever met her. She was my cousins' grandmother.
i watched as they stumbled to walk, stuttered to talk, brought them water, started clearing the kitchen. They say that when one is depressed, one either eats a lot or doesn't eat at all.

when my grandfather passed away, i didn't eat for days... and right now, i almost want to just chuck all the food i just ate.
i feel so useless and selfish. out of place and a waste of space.
my heart is broken for the ones i love.

i feel weak.

change of plans

family i was planning on staying with in Portugal... well, they don't want me there anymore... i mean, i'm still gonna be with them for a while, but not the whole time i'm there... see, the plan was get there on the 18th, stay with a nice couple for two days, then go and live with this family till 7th of jan when i would go to korea.
now, i'm only gonna be there for like... maybe a week...
i'm gonna have to go around frantically asking anyone if they have room for me.
the good thing about that though, is that i'll be in portugal. every second person there is like family to me... (okay, i exaggerate a little... but whatever)
I'll have someone to stay with... i hope.
you know what's really sad though...? I have no definite person to spend christmas OR my birthday with.
i might just ignore my birthday this year...

i feel kinda rejected, but that's alright.

there's one thing that seriously bothers me and that's being "JUST Ana Vicky"... or in other words, the friend.
I'm not sure if I've ever heard another girl complaining about being the friend, and usually it's guys who have this problem.
But still, it's not like i want my guy friends drooling all over me and stuff or wanting to go out with me... but at the same time, it would be nice to have the odd "i have a bit of a crush on you" thing going on every once in a while... like, you know, how girls ALWAYS have a guy that they kinda like even if they don't really like them... makes sense in my head!! but to actually one day be the girl who a guy secretly wants around because he likes her and not just because she's a friend would be nice.
if you think about it, guys always treat girls they like better than their friends... regardless of whether or not the friend is a girl.
i'd love to be treated all special and precious like...
have a few guys tell me that if someone hurts me, they'll rip off their heads... that'd be lovely.

"family"

family isn't something you're born into, it's something that comes to you.

it's people who love you for who you are and support you through everything.

family is your closest friends, your oldest friends, the people you trust and people you can count on for anything and everything.

i'm lucky enough to have family all over the world, wherever i go.

i have brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles... and even a few extra parents out there.

i just need to go find them.

lady lights a cigarette, puffs away, no regrets

looks around. no regrets, no regrets...


my grandmother's house does not have any pictures of me with my grandfather...
neither does my aunt's house... in fact, my aunt's house doesn't have any pictures of me at all.

it rains a lot here...
daddy said that unlike portugal and australia, it rains in the summer and is just cold in the winter... which is silly.

i must admit, i don't feel like i'm part of this family... and in a way, i'm very happy about that.
I mean, i'm surprised the women get husbands... they're either slightly... um... out there (to put it VERY nicely) or they marry weak men that they can boss around...
and the only reason the men get wives who put up with the crap of the women in my family is that they're all quite nice... or they marry the same sort of women.

being far away, i don't have to deal with them, live with them, or be raised in the same way they are. i love them because they are family, but that is all.
lots of them are mediocre in their lifestyles and have no will to try and change that... they like it just the way it is.
and i find that kinda sad.

i constantly thank my parents for the way they've educated and disciplined me. I'll have you know, that even with the law in australia that forbid people from physically disciplining their kids, they still did. and to be honest, i am very grateful for that. now i see SO many kids who would behave so much better if their parents would just give them a smack, but instead, they're just labelled as ADHD and the parents give them everything they want. well guess what: the world isn't like that and people like that grow up to be insufferable, annoying, spoiled and sometimes, even ridiculous!
what's really sad is that i can name a few people i know who are like that. and i just want to hit them whenever they open their mouths. they have no consideration for others' feelings and they're also quite ignorant. AAARRRGH!! then they wonder why they don't have friends that stick around...
also, i've noticed, these are people who want attention... mainly from the opposite sex... constantly changing girlfriends or boyfriends and finding it perfectly normal and then coming up with lame excuses like "i'm just not mature yet" I mean, SERIOUSLY! Just shove it!

So much more i'd like to say... but i'm going to save the rage for a night of tears and anger.

thank you for your patience.





i should write a book.

mum: i'm lucky to have one so great

I never realised just how much i need my mum...
but being alone with family, i realise she's the one i share most things with... and we actually learn from each other... we're basically gilmore girls without the psychopathic dating thing, or the crazy thing...
she's actually made a lot of my life easier...
she's so great and really kind... and we fight ALL THE TIME!
but hey, we sort it out, and i don't think i could live without her.

Mummy, promise me you'll always be a phone call away?
and when I say "a phone call away" I mean, you'll actually pick up your stinking phone!!

Letter to Nathan

Dear Nathan,
You're still 6 right now... and you're being treated like you're your sister's age just because she cries if life's unfair.
boy, you're pretty freaking cool. You're not old enough to really understand video games, cars or music... but I promise you, when you're older, I am here to be your mentor...
Oh, and probably your other boy cousin too... but we'll join forces to make you PERFECT! hehehe...

Anyway, to begin... Music:
You wanna be cool? Here...
MGMT, The Kooks, The Smiths, The Beatles, Beach Boys, Hedley, A Tribe Called Quest, Yellowcard, Eminem, Anberlin, Arctic Monkeys, Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, The Ataris, Belle & Sebastian, Counting Crows, Cartel, Coldplay, Jack's Mannequin, Something Corporate, Kings of Convenience, My Friend The Chocolate Cake, The Shins, Scouting for Girls, We Are The Emergency, The Bullet Holes, Sondre Lerche, Jeff Smith, Run-D.M.C., Relient K, Sleighbells, Making April, The Killers, Flyleaf, Band of Horses, The Apples in Stereo, Switchfoot, Three Days Grace, Mumford and Sons, John Mayer, Future of Forestry, Brooke Fraser, The Eels, Between The Trees, Sugar Ray, Beastie Boys... and a few more... come see me later, once you've mastered these.

Now, TV:
Big Bang Theory,
Scrubs,
The Nanny,
Friends,
Seinfeld...

and any more your cousin wants to add.

Cars:
Not an AUDI.
anything but an audi, really... EW!
Motorcycles are cool, as long as they're not Kawasakis...
ummm....

Telling people that you once beat your sister in a game of football, 10-0... isn't cool... BUT! Telling people you beat ANYONE in a game of Foozball is cool...

VIDEO GAMES:
Lotr... WILL ALWAYS BE AN EPIC!!
Kingdom Hearts 1 AND 2
Crazy Taxi,
Croc
Pong
inFamous, and Red Dead Redemption are fun...

umm... I can't think of anything new right now, but i promise i'll tell you lots of things...

If you want a girl to like you, treat her like a gentleman, like every guy could possibly be treating her better... like you've got to make her feel precious and loved and like she's fragile to you... like you think she'll break if you touch her. Like the princess from Princess and the Pea... how she can get a bruise just from laying on a pea that's heaps of layers down the line...

love you hon... Treat your sister well too...
Also, teach her how to be safe and how to beat up other boys.

<3

fried beans, rice, and chicken for lunch

spent today trying not to fall asleep.
woke up SUPER early after 4 hours sleep...
had my nails done, then hung out with the kids for AGES!
at around 6ish we went to the shopping centre and looked for shoes...
see, my grandmother wanted to give me a pair.

i like my new shoes. very cute.

came home, and the kids went to bed.
I love my little girl cousin, but she's a bit spoilt... her parents need to ignore her when she starts squealing like she's crying just because somebody said no.
*sigh*

my grandmother treats them like they can do no wrong. everything she does is gorgeous.
she's four, for goodness sake! she knows when to stop being silly!
i mean, i'm sleeping in the living room, on the floor... and i'm watching TV at an almost inaudible level, and she's like "honey, turn it down... the little ones need to sleep!"
i mean, seriously... you should've told their parents that yesterday when they were watching a movie with a whole lotta swearing and it was REALLY loud!

I'm super tired from lack of sleep. i'm going to sleep now.
my parents come back tomorrow. YAY!!!!

everyone must breathe until their dying breath

arguments...
everyone has them.
there are those emotions and those thoughts that piss you off to no end and that remind you of things that went wrong. things that you have no power over.
i want you to yell at me. to scream and tell me everything i've done to hurt you.

tell me everything i've ever done that's made you mad at me... all the things you don't like and how you feel when i do things my way.

tell me what you think makes me look ugly, tell me what you don't like about my face, my body and my personality.
attack me.

every time i hear that sound it reminds me that you're always hanging around

a day of cousins and playtime.
at my grandmother's house...
and it's actually quite nice.
tomorrow i'm getting my nails done and stuff, then we might go shoe shopping...

now that all the men have tuned out of this conversation, let's talk about bras.
KIDDING!

anywho, i've noticed one thing...
in my grandfather's guest room, where my cousins sleep, there's a painting that i painted when i was 8. it sucked... but it's still there.
the one thing that's missing though, is the "get well" teddy bear that i sent him when he went to hospital two years ago... it was kinda the only thing that comforted me when he left the hospital that time. but now it's gone.

i don't really want to ask what happened to it...
but i'm suspecting it's got something to do with the two hyper things in there...
meh.

i really want to be somewhere else right now.
why is family so complicated!!!
I HATE THIS!!!

right, that up there... that's a nice little let out of how i'm feeling right now because of stuff with sibling.

i wanna go home.

and when i opened my eyes, in place of the very tanned old lady, was a leather handbag.

worst day ever... with a few good bits...
on my way back from BH, i got to the airport early.
very early! (7:46)
Then I finally went through, (8:15) and while sitting at my gate, i noticed all the flights that had been delayed due to the thick fog that had been building up all morning.
luckily, my own flight was the only flight that had been CONFIRMED (9:00)
Suddenly, I look up again, and next to my flight number I see the word CANCELLED (9:05)
I get up and go talk to the lady at the gate... a few people crowd around her too, and she's then telling everyone that the next possible flight is at 21:15
HELL NO!!
I go and buy an internet pass thingy, and switch on.
No one is online... not the lady i was staying with, her daughters, or my mother and father...
and here's the best part: I have NO ONE'S NUMBERS!! (9:10)
Only one person is online... my hero: Adam Heap!!
Conversation goes like this:
AV
MY FLIGHT GOT CANCELLED!!!!
ADAM
Serious?
AV
Yeah!!
ADAM
That sucks! Why'd it get cancelled?

and bla bla bla... like that...
but then, here's the heroic part:
ADAM

unfortunately, i can't read brazillian, but i think i've stumbled along an internet site with brazillian phone number directories if no-one answers you.

telelistas.net

AND THEEENN!!
I went on it, typed my grandfather's name and got my grandmother's house! :D
she gave me the number of the house my parents are staying at.
Got my mum!! (9:20)
It was great!!
I cried a little bit maybe... I was just THAT happy!!

Alright, so on the phone to mum, she calms me down and does what she needs to do.
Suddenly, I hear my name again and I'm off...
Apparently, there's a new flight to São Paulo and a bus waiting there to Campinas... (9:25)
so that'd make the trip 2 and a half hours compared to the usual 1.
that's fine... I'd still be in Campinas in time for my grandmother's surprise 70th birthday party.

anywho, i call mum back and let her know... then board the plane (9:45)
plane takes off (10:20)

As we're arriving, the captain gets on the PA thingy...
"The usual time for this flight would be 1 hour, but as it turns out, there is a dog on the landing strip and they can't catch him... we will be waiting up here for a little while before going down"
(11:20)
Everyone laughs thinking that he's kidding... but he's not.
and then "ladies and gentlemen, they have captured the dog, but now an air show is beginning so we'll be in the air for another 10 minutes"
(11:45)
then we start our descent (12:20)
When we arrive at the airport, there's people asking us why we're there if we were meant to go to Campinas....!!!
(12:40)
We explain to them the situation and what happened, while they tell us that they had not even been a little bit informed of the mishap...
wanna know the best part? SAME COMPANY!!! damn Gol.
anywho, we get told that a bus will be called in shortly and for us to go get our bags at the treadmill thingy... :P so tired.

so we all go (1:30)
then this lady who looks like she's been tanned for leather gets up at starts rallying everybody up... telling us we've got rights and we need food...
The angry mob then proceeds to go to the same people who told us they had no idea of what was going on and demand that the company pay for our food.
They tell us that we certainly do have that right and they will do anything they possibly can to fix the issues we had to deal with.
I call campinas and let them know that the bus won't leave for at least another half hour... 45 minutes max. (2:00)

We go to the restaurant and as we all get there, the waiters and people look at us like we're animals... it's kinda fancy, you see...
anywho, we get told to go round the back where it's the same restaurant but there's more space for us.
out the back, there's a crappy little seating area with plastic tables and chairs and a buffet... whatever... it's food!
but then, we get told that our bus will be leaving the airport at 2:40 and that the guy would be back to pick us all up at 2:35.
one of the guys looks at his watch and announces to everyone, that the time is currently (2:25!!!)
everyone got up, went to the buffets, grabbed whatever they could and then swallowed it.
We all then get up and go out to the front of the restaurant where the guy said he'd pick us up to take us to the bus... no one's there...
then suddenly (2:45) the guy shows up and tells everyone to grab their stuff and follow him.
Since i'm used to tall friends with tall legs and having to walk fast to keep up with them, i'm standing next to this guy the entire way there... so I ask him...
AND APPARENTLY, OUR BUS IS STUCK IN TRAFFIC!!!
I'm not sure if you know what São Paulo traffic looks like... Google it.

(2:50) and we're still waiting for the bus... we take photos, make jokes...
then (3:10) BU ARRIVES, HALLELUJAH!!
Here's the thing though, everyone's so excited that they don't even complain that much about the fact that we had to put all our own baggage in the bus's side-door-trunk thing...
Sit in the bus, call Campinas (3:15)
Alright, so here's where it gets a little bit funny...
this bus' aircon couldn't be switched off, it's Brazil in the summer, so no one had a jacket, and when we tried to put in a DVD the driver informed us that the audio system in the bus had been stolen two days earlier.
So people sung... I hadn't slept more than two hours the night before - karaoke bar... fun stuff - and so i caught up on my sleep...
we arrived in Campinas (5:05)
grandmother's birthday party finished 5 minutes before.
I feel like poo. I miss my grandmother's birthday which was so important to her.

on the way back, too... we got stuck in traffic due to an accident, then had to take a massive detour because of an ambulance and a fire engine.
FRAK!!!
apparently my grandmother refused to sing happy birthday until she found out that there was no way i was getting there at 5. that's how badly she wanted me there.
only one good thing... i ended the night by watching "School of Rock" and going out for dinner...

am still slightly devastated and keep trying to fight the urge to cry.
I'm gonna make it up to her. somehow...

my parents are going to Rio tomorrow, so I'll be staying with my grandmother, aunt, uncle and cousins... I'll probably babysit them heaps because i love them and their parents barely ever get a break... and i'll see if grandmother wants to go out...

also, i've realised that I'm not even a little bit attracted to Brazilian boys... I'm wondering what it was that turned me off and if this means my taste has become better or worse...

baby you're a firework

okay, so a night of karaoke is SO my thing!!
:D

Sung non stop for ages with Nina and Kamilla...
Leo, Felipe and Laura watched us...
Felipe was the one who was going to take us home, so when we asked him if he wanted to go, he said "no! you guys are embarrassing yourselves SO much!!

list of songs:
Say my name
Tik tok
Love Story
Genie in a Bottle
Hot in Herre
and a few more... but i can't remember them right now.
SO tired!
See!! this is what holidays are meant to be like!! Long nights, late mornings, and crazy stories...
not just complaints about family!!
Well, i'm waking up tomorrow at 6 am. ... then i catch a plane back to Campinas and grandmother's 70th birthday.
it's going to be a day of smiles and tears.
like grandmother's birthday and was going to be grandfather's 80th birthday and their 50th anniversary...
YAY!!! </sarcasm>

just because i'm losing, doesn't mean i'm lost

it hurts.

to be awake sometimes.

to open my eyes to the light.

when i'm dreaming.

i'm with you.

i'm not alone and it's not dark.

my eyes are closed but i see clearly.

the detail is incredible and i even touch your hair.

and your eyes are blue.

but i don't see them like when i'm really with you.

the blue isn't as bright.

the grey isn't as powerful.

the green isn't as subtle.

and the yellow. 

but it's the only way i'm with you anymore.

i have dreams of orca whales and owls, but i wake up in fear

today, i got to BH...
(Belo Horizonte)

this is the first time i've felt welcome! with Nina and Eva, it's almost like i never left!!
It's late, and bed time... :P

i'm tired like crazy.
tonight, we went out with Feepi, Elias, Leo, Ana Paula, Kamilla, Nina, Eva, Cesar and Laura... SO MUCH FUN!!
We're going out again tomorrow to Karaoke!!

YAAAAY!!!!
and then the next morning, i leave again *sigh!*

I didn't realise how much i missed everyone. alright, well... got lots to do and gossiping before bed! :P

NIGHT!

it is entirely possible...

...that i have just made the worst mistake of my life.

GAAAH!!! Part 2

Two days ago, in the morning i had a little spat with mother dearest... and i woke up really early... But then:

I went out with my grandmother, mother, aunt and my grandmother's sister... who we picked up at an old people's home. 

Here's the sad part:

She's perfectly lucid and fine. Her voice is just a little gone and she's a little frail...

but apparently, it's because she's gone into a small depression since her rich son took her to a poor part of São paulo and put her in a home.

It infuriates me!!!

She cried when she saw my mum... she cried when she saw me...

I mean, my aunt was telling me that she cries a lot... The nurse said sometimes she cries at night in her bed.

I can't believe my mum's cousin did this to her!!

We took her to lunch for her birthday... She cried.

Relationships are strained.

Yesterday, I was with my dad's aunt and his cousin, and we went to Bauru for a bazaar type thing where lots of women in my family bring clothes, bag, shoes and jewelry to sell... it's basically a mass female family reunion. 

And all i wanna say now is, I know I'll never be a lesbian. Even though men are total idiots, tools and a lot of the time just screw with you (well, the young ones...), I can't stand women. I'd kill my partner in the second week if I became a lesbian... so I'm staying away from that road... Don't wanna end up in jail, you see...

If you ever want to feel lonely, useless, and totally out of place, like you don't belong... grab a group of women like the ones in my family, don't see them for four years, think that maybe now that you're grown up they'll treat you nicer, then get your expectations shot down.

I hung out with my uncles and a few of dad's guy cousins... Like, 4 of them...

Then I went out with my cousins, and watched my already drunk cousin get even more drunk... He asks the exact same questions like 200 TIMES!!!

Was alright...

Today, we came back from Bauru... 

I've realised that even though everybody loves me dad like crazy, we're still not as good as his brother. We just can't win.

I know I sound paranoid, but it's hurtful. And hard to explain.

I need a good night's sleep and a ticket back home, asap!

GAAAH!!!

I'll let you know more later.

this ain't a love song, this is goodbye

in brazil now, at my aunt's house...
have been on a plane for two days. i really want to go out!!!!
but i don't really know anyone.
man, i'm bored!

in frankfurt

yeah... we did some crazy route because it's cheaper.
this is ridiculous!

i mean, singapore, seoul, frankfurt, são paulo??
GAAAHHH!!

i wrote another song...
i learnt things about me. it's strange.
i kinda like this song, but i'm scared of what it says.
makes sense, huh?
it's 3 am in Aus... 8pm in Germany.

i like facebook.
goodnight.