i named it for a reason

i was extremely alone when my grandfather died last year. 

i was on exchange in america and got the news like this:

Host mother- your parents called while you were at school

me- oh?

HM- your grandfather passed away yesterday, in hospital

me- oh.

HM- well, they called earlier and told you he was in hospital, it's not like this was unexpected!

me- ... but it was.

i later proceeded to hide in the basement, sit in a weird chair and whimper. 

i've found that i'm actually a bit jealous of my family. 

Other than me and my grandmother (grandmother and I), everyone else seems to be completely over it. i never really see or hear anyone talking about it, everyone seems to have moved on and not given it another thought. maybe it's because they saw the grave, or something... i don't know. 

it seems like i'm stuck. like i'm in this hole and i can't get out. like every time i might get close to the opening i see a photograph, or i just simply get reminded that he's gone. the little things are different, and the big things are different too. 

i graduated and he's not around to call over skype and congratulate me. i just got a poem published in a book, and he'll never read it. 

it's never really going to be the same. 

i'm also jealous because my family spent more time with him. i was 2 when we left brazil and that's basically it. i'd say out of almost 15 and a half years of my life, i spent about 3 and a bit with him... not even. 3 and a bit in the same country... maybe!

yeah, i know... i've got lots of issues i need to get over. but who doesn't? of course, i've been informed by a dear friend that if freud was around he'd have a field day! 

why? just add my parental issues, my sibling, grandfathers' (both) deaths last year, the way both my grandmothers make me feel and my issues befriending other females, and he'd have his work cut out for him! talk about being stubborn. 

but hey, those people who've been "lucky" enough to get close enough to be my friends don't find that hard because i like to hide things. it actually makes life easier pretending like things haven't happened the way they have. 

if i like to hide things, why am i posting this on the internet? well, my dear reader... it's quite soothing actually and makes for interesting chit-chat!

not only that, but if my blog's called a family tree i should at least have a few personal family things on here, right?