would you lie with me and just forget the words?

doesn't feel like it's going to be christmas tomorrow...
the atmosphere isn't there.

there's no party at my house to be preparing for like crazy, no tree, no presents...
no guests to greet and entertain...

i'm sleeping in my jeans tonight.
my luggage still hasn't arrived, and i put my PJs in the wash. They didn't get washed though... or dried.
christmas spirit, huh?

have you ever wondered if you were needed...
ever wanted to feel like someone wanted you around?
maybe it's the whole maternal thing... the fact that i take care of people all the time, cater to them and serve them... i want to feel like it's missed sometimes. but not just what i do, but me too.

I want my bags to get here.
I want to be able to put on a dress and a lovely jacket tomorrow with nice shoes.
i want to be pretty.

my mum called up the bag people today, and they've said that my bags should be with me by tomorrow at the latest. tomorrow, already being today.
i'm praying for this to be true, but i must admit, i'm skeptical. not that God can't make me get them by tomorrow, but just that i won't be getting them.
i'm not even sure if I'll get them at all. not even for my birthday.

and as far as my birthday goes, i doubt i'm even going to try to celebrate it. I'm only going to be turning 17. it's no big deal.
on my birthday, it's Chloe's first birthday... I'm not even going to try to interrupt those festivities for me. I'll just celebrate with my parents when i get to Korea... or have a small gathering when i get home. but since the 7th of feb is so far away from the 27th of dec, there's really no point in making it about my birthday.
so hey, i'll just skip it. all good.

i think these trips are so difficult for me because i miss friends. i miss a life. i don't have that anymore. nothing.
i've worked on becoming free, earning my parents' trust and all that, just to travel and even with that trust and freedom, have nothing to do.
i feel powerless. no control.

I'm tired of other people feeling like they have to be in charge of me for my own good. i've felt trapped.
it's hard. i don't know if i wanna grow up like this.