these simple words

today had been quite a nice little peaceful day. I woke up at 7, then we went back to São Paulo at 9. We arrived around 11:00...
Had lunch with my aunt and had an enjoyable time.
Watched Big Bang Theory off the web and went across the road to get stuff for mum.

we just had dinner. it was lovely, my uncle's sister and their cousin came and we had a pretty tasty meal. my cousin arrived a little late and her brother had already finished eating... we all sat down to watch a really gripping soapie and as the cherries were being placed in bowls to be given out as dessert, my boy cousin came downstairs after having just talked to his dad. the next few words he said completely changed the day.
"mummy, grandma just died"

immediately, my uncle's sister began to sob, mourning her mother's passing... my aunt and my cousin just cried. Everyone had their head in their hands.

if one is to feel powerless, these are the moments.
She was not my grandmother, and i don't know if i ever met her. She was my cousins' grandmother.
i watched as they stumbled to walk, stuttered to talk, brought them water, started clearing the kitchen. They say that when one is depressed, one either eats a lot or doesn't eat at all.

when my grandfather passed away, i didn't eat for days... and right now, i almost want to just chuck all the food i just ate.
i feel so useless and selfish. out of place and a waste of space.
my heart is broken for the ones i love.

i feel weak.