wedding rings

wedding rings, wedding bands... whatever you want to call them, they are the epitome of symbolism.

they symbolise a person's relationship with another,
they symbolise a lifelong commitment that has been made,
and they symbolise an everlasting love that is one's marriage.

How?
the ring is circular. Circles have no beginning or end, they just continue infinitely.
the ring is worn to represent all these things and it is obvious that it is there.
the ring, is picked out carefully to match the design the couple prefers.
the ring is placed on the person's ring finger, because that finger has a vein which apparently is connected directly to the heart.
the ring is given as a token of their love and commitment in front of many so that they may publicly show their commitment to each other.

i believe that
if a couple is together for the long haul, whether they are married or not... if they want to show others their commitment to each other, and how much their love signifies, i do believe an exchange of rings is one of the most meaningful and beautiful things one can do to show the other just how much their relationship means.

because not only does it symbolise everything i've said up top...
but it's also something many people look for when trying to scope out someone new to flirt with...
so it's kinda like a resignation of a life filled with flirting...

sometimes, i think monogamy would be fun...

La vie aprés l'ATAR

i wish i could do things i wanted. do them the way i wanted.
you know when you picture a scenario in your head? it's like something out of a movie. something that'll never happen the exact way you picture it... if it's by someone else's part in it or something happens which completely derails your plans.

there's things like planning what your ATAR's gonna be...
on the inside, you know that no matter how much it seems to be on a calculator, when you make up possible results, the result's going to be less.

there's things like wanting to fix someone else...
knowing how frustrated and unhappy they are... knowing that if you were there, you could make it much better.

Then there's things like planning how you're going to act when you see someone again for the first time in years...
do you hug them like you used to? do you talk to them like you used to?
are they even the same person they used to be?
are you?

plans don't work that way. the world doesn't work that way. people don't work that way...
and neither does your heart.
that's the most unpredictable of all.

When you finally scroll down to see your ATAR, when you can't console that person the way you know you could, or when you see someone you've been missing for the past 6 years of your life...
you never know what your heart's gonna do.
it'll sink, then continue pumping like nothing's wrong... your heart finds the reasons to go on.
your heart will break for who it can't mend... but then it hardens and makes you go to extra lengths to find something you could do.
it'll get nervous, throw you off balance... but sooner or later, it'll find the person you once knew, and it'll keep you calm.

it goes on and on and on.

i want to impact the world

the future's coming much faster now than before...
it's one day till uni results come out... i have no idea what's going to happen then... but all i know is that it's scary!

My family's told me that if I don't get in, it's okay, because i can do something else and go to uni another way...
i've asked them if they won't be disappointed with me, and they've said no, but i'm gonna be honest... I don't believe that at ALL... I'm TERRIFIED!
if it is true that they won't be all disappointed and give me the "you didn't try hard enough" talk, i'm going to be superly surprised and relieved, but also, i'm going to be disappointed with myself.
but i'm going to figure something out either way.
my life won't stop, i'm gonna keep trying, we'll see...

seventeen forever

am stoked about being older than i was before...
must admit, even though i don't feel older or anything, when i specifically think to myself, hey, you're 17, I actually feel this sort of satisfaction with myself... like it's a little empowering!

anyway... today... had lunch at a lovely place after babysitting Chloe again... SHE'S SO CUTE!!
after lunch, took a nap, then closed my bed so the kids could play.
So, guess what... I celebrated my birthday after all!!
Theo and Susy had a whole bunch of people over including everyone i hung out with yesterday, and it was an awesome fun party!
Shared it with Chloe, but luckily, she was still the main focus of the night.
i didn't want to take that away from her. cute little one-year old.

of course, because of so many children in attendance, the party ended early.
i'm so very very tired... but i'm gonna finish The Rocky Horror Picture Show before sleeping.
it'll be weird dreams for me!
hahaha...

i must be sure to chat to those important to me... will be nice.

i've never had birthday pie before!

still don't feel 17...
And I've written it down twice.
I must admit, writing it down feels awesome as it actually feels like such a step up over 16... like 16 is the age when everybody thinks you're mature and can't do anything right... when your hormones are all over the place and all you want is what MTV is telling you to want and you follow trends all the time. you can't be your own person or make up your own mind.
Well, that's how i felt anyway... powerless. Like no one really cared what i had to say.. like no one felt the need to try to respect me.

however, even if it's the same with 17-year-old me... I'm not letting it happen that way!!

Alright, so, so far on my birthday day...
I got sung a beautifully harmonious "Happy Birthday" by Aleksi, Zyna, Mickey, Ruben, Ivandro, and João.
Zyna brought me a slice of chocolate pie with a candle on it.
Seriously... the BEST pie i've ever had... but it got too sweet by the end... i don't do sugar very well.
Then, Ruben and Mickey dropped me off.
Susy and Theo and the kids were already asleep, so i locked the door, switched off the lights and came to my room.
On my bed there was a present. The CUTEST notebook!
Seriously, i LOVE notebooks... it's kinda sad, but I love seeing my own handwriting, and as many will know, i LOVE to write. so this is PERFECT!!
Plus, the pen that came with the notepad actually worked!
You know, sometimes you get these really cool pens that match the pad they came with, but they never work and you kinda just keep them around to look pretty because you're too attached to it to throw it away? well, this one works!! YAY!!

here's a photo of me at 17...
I don't really feel too different.

So, after this, i cleaned the toys off my bed... and brushed my teeth.
I was SO scared to wake people up, but Chloe's already cried three times since i got home, so if anyone wakes up, it's not may fault...

Alrighty... time to go to sleep...
The first sleep as a 17-year-old!

Let's see where this is gonna go.

productive day

This morning, I got told my luggage arrived!!
YAYAYAYAYAY!!
We picked them up at the airport and dropped off Bianca, Albert and Tina.
Then, Nela and I went to Maccas and had lunch... t'was quite delicious.

Arriving back at the house, Nela and I told Theo and Suzy to go out on the Harley together and have a nice time out.
Tiago (almost three) was put to sleep, and so was Chloe (almost one).
Was LOVELY!
I went and took a shower wuth my own shampoo and put on clothes from my suitcase. Which may not sound like much, but is a loverly thing!

Then, I went for a ride with Theo... we were out for like, ten minutes. Had SO much fun!!
After that, I started watching Young Frankenstein.
Theo and Suzy went out shopping, so I was left with the kids... Chloe and I watched the rest of the movie together. She sat there quietly in my lap, laughed when there were funny bit, and applauded every time she saw a crowd.

Now I'm just watching them, and they're both so cute and polite.
To think that they're both younger than my cousins but are already more mature and easier to work with than the other two...

Tomorrow, it's mine and Chloe's birthday...
In Australia, it's already my birthday.

here's us on the day before our birthday... nomming on my christmas present from Aunty Tanya, Uncle Rubes and Natey...

getting old

not me... I'm still very young...
in fact, sometimes i see just how young i am... other times, i'm actually a little surprised at my own maturity... but there's still a long way to go.
Here's the thing though, i'm kinda scared to get old now.
Imagine it... acting like you know everything, needing help to move around, falling asleep on couches while people are talking to you, talking to people like they've got to do what you say, being completely out of date with EVERYTHING that's going on around you or in the world, having people yell at you because you can't hear, and treating EVERYONE who isn't married or 40, like they're little 5-year olds... unless they're younger, so you treat them like fetuses!

I don't wanna get old!!!
As much as I can, I think this is pretty good motivation to keep my body healthy, stay young looking, mentally young and active... I mean, come on... I don't wanna get old, sit in front of a TV and tell whoever's watching it that I wanna "see animals"... I don't wanna ask some teen if "the thing that's making the noise is that machine"... I feel kinda bad for them because we kinda lose respect for them...
I know that we still do everything they ask, but that doesn't mean we respect them... it just means that we think we should do what they want...
respect is something completely different... where their opinions matter, and that we'll do what they want because we believe they deserve it, or that it's something we do because we want them to feel comfortable right where they are with whatever they're doing.

i'm actually a little scared to get old... like actually old.
like 80 something and alzheimers! not knowing what people are talking about and noticing some eye-rolls because secretly, people have already heard this story a HUNDRED times... but they won't tell me that.

and on that note...
Merry Christmas (i didn't have internet) and Happy Boxing Day

would you lie with me and just forget the words?

doesn't feel like it's going to be christmas tomorrow...
the atmosphere isn't there.

there's no party at my house to be preparing for like crazy, no tree, no presents...
no guests to greet and entertain...

i'm sleeping in my jeans tonight.
my luggage still hasn't arrived, and i put my PJs in the wash. They didn't get washed though... or dried.
christmas spirit, huh?

have you ever wondered if you were needed...
ever wanted to feel like someone wanted you around?
maybe it's the whole maternal thing... the fact that i take care of people all the time, cater to them and serve them... i want to feel like it's missed sometimes. but not just what i do, but me too.

I want my bags to get here.
I want to be able to put on a dress and a lovely jacket tomorrow with nice shoes.
i want to be pretty.

my mum called up the bag people today, and they've said that my bags should be with me by tomorrow at the latest. tomorrow, already being today.
i'm praying for this to be true, but i must admit, i'm skeptical. not that God can't make me get them by tomorrow, but just that i won't be getting them.
i'm not even sure if I'll get them at all. not even for my birthday.

and as far as my birthday goes, i doubt i'm even going to try to celebrate it. I'm only going to be turning 17. it's no big deal.
on my birthday, it's Chloe's first birthday... I'm not even going to try to interrupt those festivities for me. I'll just celebrate with my parents when i get to Korea... or have a small gathering when i get home. but since the 7th of feb is so far away from the 27th of dec, there's really no point in making it about my birthday.
so hey, i'll just skip it. all good.

i think these trips are so difficult for me because i miss friends. i miss a life. i don't have that anymore. nothing.
i've worked on becoming free, earning my parents' trust and all that, just to travel and even with that trust and freedom, have nothing to do.
i feel powerless. no control.

I'm tired of other people feeling like they have to be in charge of me for my own good. i've felt trapped.
it's hard. i don't know if i wanna grow up like this.

when the past comes to greet you

"funny seeing you here"


everyday, you are faced with your past.
but in the case of actually going out of your way to visit your past, you are faced with it more and much harder.
of course, there's lots of things you don't remember about your past, especially when you find you've blocked out a lot of your childhood from your memory. strange, huh?
You meet friends again and realise how much they meant to you and how much you meant to them.
you're forced to remember good and bad things.
things you miss and things you regret.

every choice you make brings up a part of your past.
you must always work from experience.
work backwards before moving forwards... makes sense?
whatever.
made sense to me!!

come away with me.

if there's any request that's ever meant anything to me, it's Norah Jones' song "Come Away With Me"
the few times i've asked... i want it to be true and for the person i ask to say yes.
most of all, what i really want, is the freedom to actually do it.

I want to be able to pack some things and disappear for as long as i want with whoever i want.
spontaneously.
i want "come away with me" to be the beginning of a scary, tear-filled, funny, and memorable adventure.
with no end result other than return.
and no purpose other than change.

That is a dream i'd love to make come true.
i don't know if i'll ever have that chance, but i'll give the opportunity for someone to say yes.
one day maybe.
and then i can return with a story.

tripletrocktimusprimethebulletholes.

alright, got SO many plans... I could totally become a manager for a band!!
I want Rocktimus Prime to play at my 18th Birthday!! (Yeah... I'm already planning THAT far ahead)
triplet's gonna come down to Perth from Lisbon and play a few gigs... then play at my 18th... THAT'D BE AWESOME!!!
the bullet holes: they'll do a few originals... will be AWESOME!!

i'm gonna be honest... i feel special that i actually know people in good bands :P




So, went on a massive quest to the airport to get bags back. they're not here yet.
BUT THEY WILL BE!! AND SOMEONE WILL LOCATE THEM!!!

anyway. yeah.
okay.
done.

so far...

Portugal has already been far more exciting than Brazil... and I mean GOOD excitement...
even with the whole luggage thing, I've had a better day so far than my whole two week stay with family.

Am staying with dear friends Theo and Suzy and they have two really cute kids!!!
today they had a Sunday barbecue with family and friends... kinda like we used to have when I lived here.
As usual, of course, I hung with the men :P
outside, we talked about Harley Davidsons, Meat, Dogs, Women, Marriage, Weddings, and decorations... hehehe

Later on in the day, I watched Man From The Snowy River with Theo's parents and I was surprised at how good an Australian film could be... WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FILM INDUSTRY!!??!?!
Came upstairs afterwards and went outside with Theo, Albert, and Tiago (ADORABLE LITTLE ALMOST-THREE-YEAR-OLD!!!) and we had another go at the barbecue.
Then gathered around the table to eat dinner and Tiago said he was going to sit at the table "next to Ana Vicky"... to be honest, I almost awwwwwed myself to death.
Dinner was also very satisfying, as was lunch.
Talked to Bianca (14, though you wouldn't really say it... she's quite mature, you see.) and we had a fun time... also, boys are silly!
I convinced her to sleep over and so YAY!!!

Now, onto the rant I had planned... Tattoos:
In Brazil, I saw SO many girls with tattoos, and I must say, if you want a tattoo done nicely, DON'T get it done in Brazil. THEY'RE SO UGLY!! The actual pictures are ugly and then the lines are waaay too thick.
Anyway, I saw this woman... kinda old... with awful legs. Tanned, wrinkled, and it looked like her legs had been lyposuctioned but she was yet to get a surgery to get rid of all the extra skin. IT WAS GROSS!!
But it got me thinking: what happen to tattoos when you get old?
This woman had a tattoo on her calf... I think it was meant to be a koi fish... or a lotus flower. You could seriously NOT make out what this tattoo was meant to be!!
This woman must've been like 60... seriously! But it's not like she was ashamed or anything... SHE WAS WEARING A TINY LITTLE DENIM MINISKIRT!!!!! also, SCARY THIGHS!!
It was so gross, you just couldn't look away... like some sort of disgusting fungus or something.
Anyway, if someone gets a tattoo, it's permanent... and it hurts... and you get addicted once you get one done.
To get it off, you have to do a surgery with lasers that hurts SO much more!!!
When you're old, tattoos look very strange and weird!!
On holidays, for fun, do Henna!! That's always fun! and it comes off! Or airbrushed tattoos...
I don't know... Or find a place on your body that doesn't show all the time, or doesn't age much...
It's SO MUCH HARDER FOR WOMEN!! anyway.
end of rant.

flight to: lisbon

today's blog was going to be about tattoos...
BUT:

hey, guess what!!
they lost my bags.
so... yeah.
mum took the ticket with my bags' codes on it with her to korea... so i have to wait for her to get there to get the proper info for my bags.

you know what?
none of this would've happened if i'd stayed in australia... okay, that's it! Next time, I'm tying myself to the stairs!

the impotence of being earnest.

i blog.
i tried to vlog.
i find it's SO much easier to express myself in writing.

well, i'm on my way to portugal now... will be fun... am kind of apprehensive due to the whole "rejected by the people who were gonna have me at their's" thing.

I'm determined. I'm gonna go somewhere, and I'm gonna do something.
you just watch.

these simple words

today had been quite a nice little peaceful day. I woke up at 7, then we went back to São Paulo at 9. We arrived around 11:00...
Had lunch with my aunt and had an enjoyable time.
Watched Big Bang Theory off the web and went across the road to get stuff for mum.

we just had dinner. it was lovely, my uncle's sister and their cousin came and we had a pretty tasty meal. my cousin arrived a little late and her brother had already finished eating... we all sat down to watch a really gripping soapie and as the cherries were being placed in bowls to be given out as dessert, my boy cousin came downstairs after having just talked to his dad. the next few words he said completely changed the day.
"mummy, grandma just died"

immediately, my uncle's sister began to sob, mourning her mother's passing... my aunt and my cousin just cried. Everyone had their head in their hands.

if one is to feel powerless, these are the moments.
She was not my grandmother, and i don't know if i ever met her. She was my cousins' grandmother.
i watched as they stumbled to walk, stuttered to talk, brought them water, started clearing the kitchen. They say that when one is depressed, one either eats a lot or doesn't eat at all.

when my grandfather passed away, i didn't eat for days... and right now, i almost want to just chuck all the food i just ate.
i feel so useless and selfish. out of place and a waste of space.
my heart is broken for the ones i love.

i feel weak.

change of plans

family i was planning on staying with in Portugal... well, they don't want me there anymore... i mean, i'm still gonna be with them for a while, but not the whole time i'm there... see, the plan was get there on the 18th, stay with a nice couple for two days, then go and live with this family till 7th of jan when i would go to korea.
now, i'm only gonna be there for like... maybe a week...
i'm gonna have to go around frantically asking anyone if they have room for me.
the good thing about that though, is that i'll be in portugal. every second person there is like family to me... (okay, i exaggerate a little... but whatever)
I'll have someone to stay with... i hope.
you know what's really sad though...? I have no definite person to spend christmas OR my birthday with.
i might just ignore my birthday this year...

i feel kinda rejected, but that's alright.

there's one thing that seriously bothers me and that's being "JUST Ana Vicky"... or in other words, the friend.
I'm not sure if I've ever heard another girl complaining about being the friend, and usually it's guys who have this problem.
But still, it's not like i want my guy friends drooling all over me and stuff or wanting to go out with me... but at the same time, it would be nice to have the odd "i have a bit of a crush on you" thing going on every once in a while... like, you know, how girls ALWAYS have a guy that they kinda like even if they don't really like them... makes sense in my head!! but to actually one day be the girl who a guy secretly wants around because he likes her and not just because she's a friend would be nice.
if you think about it, guys always treat girls they like better than their friends... regardless of whether or not the friend is a girl.
i'd love to be treated all special and precious like...
have a few guys tell me that if someone hurts me, they'll rip off their heads... that'd be lovely.

"family"

family isn't something you're born into, it's something that comes to you.

it's people who love you for who you are and support you through everything.

family is your closest friends, your oldest friends, the people you trust and people you can count on for anything and everything.

i'm lucky enough to have family all over the world, wherever i go.

i have brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles... and even a few extra parents out there.

i just need to go find them.

lady lights a cigarette, puffs away, no regrets

looks around. no regrets, no regrets...


my grandmother's house does not have any pictures of me with my grandfather...
neither does my aunt's house... in fact, my aunt's house doesn't have any pictures of me at all.

it rains a lot here...
daddy said that unlike portugal and australia, it rains in the summer and is just cold in the winter... which is silly.

i must admit, i don't feel like i'm part of this family... and in a way, i'm very happy about that.
I mean, i'm surprised the women get husbands... they're either slightly... um... out there (to put it VERY nicely) or they marry weak men that they can boss around...
and the only reason the men get wives who put up with the crap of the women in my family is that they're all quite nice... or they marry the same sort of women.

being far away, i don't have to deal with them, live with them, or be raised in the same way they are. i love them because they are family, but that is all.
lots of them are mediocre in their lifestyles and have no will to try and change that... they like it just the way it is.
and i find that kinda sad.

i constantly thank my parents for the way they've educated and disciplined me. I'll have you know, that even with the law in australia that forbid people from physically disciplining their kids, they still did. and to be honest, i am very grateful for that. now i see SO many kids who would behave so much better if their parents would just give them a smack, but instead, they're just labelled as ADHD and the parents give them everything they want. well guess what: the world isn't like that and people like that grow up to be insufferable, annoying, spoiled and sometimes, even ridiculous!
what's really sad is that i can name a few people i know who are like that. and i just want to hit them whenever they open their mouths. they have no consideration for others' feelings and they're also quite ignorant. AAARRRGH!! then they wonder why they don't have friends that stick around...
also, i've noticed, these are people who want attention... mainly from the opposite sex... constantly changing girlfriends or boyfriends and finding it perfectly normal and then coming up with lame excuses like "i'm just not mature yet" I mean, SERIOUSLY! Just shove it!

So much more i'd like to say... but i'm going to save the rage for a night of tears and anger.

thank you for your patience.





i should write a book.

mum: i'm lucky to have one so great

I never realised just how much i need my mum...
but being alone with family, i realise she's the one i share most things with... and we actually learn from each other... we're basically gilmore girls without the psychopathic dating thing, or the crazy thing...
she's actually made a lot of my life easier...
she's so great and really kind... and we fight ALL THE TIME!
but hey, we sort it out, and i don't think i could live without her.

Mummy, promise me you'll always be a phone call away?
and when I say "a phone call away" I mean, you'll actually pick up your stinking phone!!

Letter to Nathan

Dear Nathan,
You're still 6 right now... and you're being treated like you're your sister's age just because she cries if life's unfair.
boy, you're pretty freaking cool. You're not old enough to really understand video games, cars or music... but I promise you, when you're older, I am here to be your mentor...
Oh, and probably your other boy cousin too... but we'll join forces to make you PERFECT! hehehe...

Anyway, to begin... Music:
You wanna be cool? Here...
MGMT, The Kooks, The Smiths, The Beatles, Beach Boys, Hedley, A Tribe Called Quest, Yellowcard, Eminem, Anberlin, Arctic Monkeys, Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, The Ataris, Belle & Sebastian, Counting Crows, Cartel, Coldplay, Jack's Mannequin, Something Corporate, Kings of Convenience, My Friend The Chocolate Cake, The Shins, Scouting for Girls, We Are The Emergency, The Bullet Holes, Sondre Lerche, Jeff Smith, Run-D.M.C., Relient K, Sleighbells, Making April, The Killers, Flyleaf, Band of Horses, The Apples in Stereo, Switchfoot, Three Days Grace, Mumford and Sons, John Mayer, Future of Forestry, Brooke Fraser, The Eels, Between The Trees, Sugar Ray, Beastie Boys... and a few more... come see me later, once you've mastered these.

Now, TV:
Big Bang Theory,
Scrubs,
The Nanny,
Friends,
Seinfeld...

and any more your cousin wants to add.

Cars:
Not an AUDI.
anything but an audi, really... EW!
Motorcycles are cool, as long as they're not Kawasakis...
ummm....

Telling people that you once beat your sister in a game of football, 10-0... isn't cool... BUT! Telling people you beat ANYONE in a game of Foozball is cool...

VIDEO GAMES:
Lotr... WILL ALWAYS BE AN EPIC!!
Kingdom Hearts 1 AND 2
Crazy Taxi,
Croc
Pong
inFamous, and Red Dead Redemption are fun...

umm... I can't think of anything new right now, but i promise i'll tell you lots of things...

If you want a girl to like you, treat her like a gentleman, like every guy could possibly be treating her better... like you've got to make her feel precious and loved and like she's fragile to you... like you think she'll break if you touch her. Like the princess from Princess and the Pea... how she can get a bruise just from laying on a pea that's heaps of layers down the line...

love you hon... Treat your sister well too...
Also, teach her how to be safe and how to beat up other boys.

<3

fried beans, rice, and chicken for lunch

spent today trying not to fall asleep.
woke up SUPER early after 4 hours sleep...
had my nails done, then hung out with the kids for AGES!
at around 6ish we went to the shopping centre and looked for shoes...
see, my grandmother wanted to give me a pair.

i like my new shoes. very cute.

came home, and the kids went to bed.
I love my little girl cousin, but she's a bit spoilt... her parents need to ignore her when she starts squealing like she's crying just because somebody said no.
*sigh*

my grandmother treats them like they can do no wrong. everything she does is gorgeous.
she's four, for goodness sake! she knows when to stop being silly!
i mean, i'm sleeping in the living room, on the floor... and i'm watching TV at an almost inaudible level, and she's like "honey, turn it down... the little ones need to sleep!"
i mean, seriously... you should've told their parents that yesterday when they were watching a movie with a whole lotta swearing and it was REALLY loud!

I'm super tired from lack of sleep. i'm going to sleep now.
my parents come back tomorrow. YAY!!!!

everyone must breathe until their dying breath

arguments...
everyone has them.
there are those emotions and those thoughts that piss you off to no end and that remind you of things that went wrong. things that you have no power over.
i want you to yell at me. to scream and tell me everything i've done to hurt you.

tell me everything i've ever done that's made you mad at me... all the things you don't like and how you feel when i do things my way.

tell me what you think makes me look ugly, tell me what you don't like about my face, my body and my personality.
attack me.

every time i hear that sound it reminds me that you're always hanging around

a day of cousins and playtime.
at my grandmother's house...
and it's actually quite nice.
tomorrow i'm getting my nails done and stuff, then we might go shoe shopping...

now that all the men have tuned out of this conversation, let's talk about bras.
KIDDING!

anywho, i've noticed one thing...
in my grandfather's guest room, where my cousins sleep, there's a painting that i painted when i was 8. it sucked... but it's still there.
the one thing that's missing though, is the "get well" teddy bear that i sent him when he went to hospital two years ago... it was kinda the only thing that comforted me when he left the hospital that time. but now it's gone.

i don't really want to ask what happened to it...
but i'm suspecting it's got something to do with the two hyper things in there...
meh.

i really want to be somewhere else right now.
why is family so complicated!!!
I HATE THIS!!!

right, that up there... that's a nice little let out of how i'm feeling right now because of stuff with sibling.

i wanna go home.

and when i opened my eyes, in place of the very tanned old lady, was a leather handbag.

worst day ever... with a few good bits...
on my way back from BH, i got to the airport early.
very early! (7:46)
Then I finally went through, (8:15) and while sitting at my gate, i noticed all the flights that had been delayed due to the thick fog that had been building up all morning.
luckily, my own flight was the only flight that had been CONFIRMED (9:00)
Suddenly, I look up again, and next to my flight number I see the word CANCELLED (9:05)
I get up and go talk to the lady at the gate... a few people crowd around her too, and she's then telling everyone that the next possible flight is at 21:15
HELL NO!!
I go and buy an internet pass thingy, and switch on.
No one is online... not the lady i was staying with, her daughters, or my mother and father...
and here's the best part: I have NO ONE'S NUMBERS!! (9:10)
Only one person is online... my hero: Adam Heap!!
Conversation goes like this:
AV
MY FLIGHT GOT CANCELLED!!!!
ADAM
Serious?
AV
Yeah!!
ADAM
That sucks! Why'd it get cancelled?

and bla bla bla... like that...
but then, here's the heroic part:
ADAM

unfortunately, i can't read brazillian, but i think i've stumbled along an internet site with brazillian phone number directories if no-one answers you.

telelistas.net

AND THEEENN!!
I went on it, typed my grandfather's name and got my grandmother's house! :D
she gave me the number of the house my parents are staying at.
Got my mum!! (9:20)
It was great!!
I cried a little bit maybe... I was just THAT happy!!

Alright, so on the phone to mum, she calms me down and does what she needs to do.
Suddenly, I hear my name again and I'm off...
Apparently, there's a new flight to São Paulo and a bus waiting there to Campinas... (9:25)
so that'd make the trip 2 and a half hours compared to the usual 1.
that's fine... I'd still be in Campinas in time for my grandmother's surprise 70th birthday party.

anywho, i call mum back and let her know... then board the plane (9:45)
plane takes off (10:20)

As we're arriving, the captain gets on the PA thingy...
"The usual time for this flight would be 1 hour, but as it turns out, there is a dog on the landing strip and they can't catch him... we will be waiting up here for a little while before going down"
(11:20)
Everyone laughs thinking that he's kidding... but he's not.
and then "ladies and gentlemen, they have captured the dog, but now an air show is beginning so we'll be in the air for another 10 minutes"
(11:45)
then we start our descent (12:20)
When we arrive at the airport, there's people asking us why we're there if we were meant to go to Campinas....!!!
(12:40)
We explain to them the situation and what happened, while they tell us that they had not even been a little bit informed of the mishap...
wanna know the best part? SAME COMPANY!!! damn Gol.
anywho, we get told that a bus will be called in shortly and for us to go get our bags at the treadmill thingy... :P so tired.

so we all go (1:30)
then this lady who looks like she's been tanned for leather gets up at starts rallying everybody up... telling us we've got rights and we need food...
The angry mob then proceeds to go to the same people who told us they had no idea of what was going on and demand that the company pay for our food.
They tell us that we certainly do have that right and they will do anything they possibly can to fix the issues we had to deal with.
I call campinas and let them know that the bus won't leave for at least another half hour... 45 minutes max. (2:00)

We go to the restaurant and as we all get there, the waiters and people look at us like we're animals... it's kinda fancy, you see...
anywho, we get told to go round the back where it's the same restaurant but there's more space for us.
out the back, there's a crappy little seating area with plastic tables and chairs and a buffet... whatever... it's food!
but then, we get told that our bus will be leaving the airport at 2:40 and that the guy would be back to pick us all up at 2:35.
one of the guys looks at his watch and announces to everyone, that the time is currently (2:25!!!)
everyone got up, went to the buffets, grabbed whatever they could and then swallowed it.
We all then get up and go out to the front of the restaurant where the guy said he'd pick us up to take us to the bus... no one's there...
then suddenly (2:45) the guy shows up and tells everyone to grab their stuff and follow him.
Since i'm used to tall friends with tall legs and having to walk fast to keep up with them, i'm standing next to this guy the entire way there... so I ask him...
AND APPARENTLY, OUR BUS IS STUCK IN TRAFFIC!!!
I'm not sure if you know what São Paulo traffic looks like... Google it.

(2:50) and we're still waiting for the bus... we take photos, make jokes...
then (3:10) BU ARRIVES, HALLELUJAH!!
Here's the thing though, everyone's so excited that they don't even complain that much about the fact that we had to put all our own baggage in the bus's side-door-trunk thing...
Sit in the bus, call Campinas (3:15)
Alright, so here's where it gets a little bit funny...
this bus' aircon couldn't be switched off, it's Brazil in the summer, so no one had a jacket, and when we tried to put in a DVD the driver informed us that the audio system in the bus had been stolen two days earlier.
So people sung... I hadn't slept more than two hours the night before - karaoke bar... fun stuff - and so i caught up on my sleep...
we arrived in Campinas (5:05)
grandmother's birthday party finished 5 minutes before.
I feel like poo. I miss my grandmother's birthday which was so important to her.

on the way back, too... we got stuck in traffic due to an accident, then had to take a massive detour because of an ambulance and a fire engine.
FRAK!!!
apparently my grandmother refused to sing happy birthday until she found out that there was no way i was getting there at 5. that's how badly she wanted me there.
only one good thing... i ended the night by watching "School of Rock" and going out for dinner...

am still slightly devastated and keep trying to fight the urge to cry.
I'm gonna make it up to her. somehow...

my parents are going to Rio tomorrow, so I'll be staying with my grandmother, aunt, uncle and cousins... I'll probably babysit them heaps because i love them and their parents barely ever get a break... and i'll see if grandmother wants to go out...

also, i've realised that I'm not even a little bit attracted to Brazilian boys... I'm wondering what it was that turned me off and if this means my taste has become better or worse...

baby you're a firework

okay, so a night of karaoke is SO my thing!!
:D

Sung non stop for ages with Nina and Kamilla...
Leo, Felipe and Laura watched us...
Felipe was the one who was going to take us home, so when we asked him if he wanted to go, he said "no! you guys are embarrassing yourselves SO much!!

list of songs:
Say my name
Tik tok
Love Story
Genie in a Bottle
Hot in Herre
and a few more... but i can't remember them right now.
SO tired!
See!! this is what holidays are meant to be like!! Long nights, late mornings, and crazy stories...
not just complaints about family!!
Well, i'm waking up tomorrow at 6 am. ... then i catch a plane back to Campinas and grandmother's 70th birthday.
it's going to be a day of smiles and tears.
like grandmother's birthday and was going to be grandfather's 80th birthday and their 50th anniversary...
YAY!!! </sarcasm>

just because i'm losing, doesn't mean i'm lost

it hurts.

to be awake sometimes.

to open my eyes to the light.

when i'm dreaming.

i'm with you.

i'm not alone and it's not dark.

my eyes are closed but i see clearly.

the detail is incredible and i even touch your hair.

and your eyes are blue.

but i don't see them like when i'm really with you.

the blue isn't as bright.

the grey isn't as powerful.

the green isn't as subtle.

and the yellow. 

but it's the only way i'm with you anymore.

i have dreams of orca whales and owls, but i wake up in fear

today, i got to BH...
(Belo Horizonte)

this is the first time i've felt welcome! with Nina and Eva, it's almost like i never left!!
It's late, and bed time... :P

i'm tired like crazy.
tonight, we went out with Feepi, Elias, Leo, Ana Paula, Kamilla, Nina, Eva, Cesar and Laura... SO MUCH FUN!!
We're going out again tomorrow to Karaoke!!

YAAAAY!!!!
and then the next morning, i leave again *sigh!*

I didn't realise how much i missed everyone. alright, well... got lots to do and gossiping before bed! :P

NIGHT!

it is entirely possible...

...that i have just made the worst mistake of my life.

GAAAH!!! Part 2

Two days ago, in the morning i had a little spat with mother dearest... and i woke up really early... But then:

I went out with my grandmother, mother, aunt and my grandmother's sister... who we picked up at an old people's home. 

Here's the sad part:

She's perfectly lucid and fine. Her voice is just a little gone and she's a little frail...

but apparently, it's because she's gone into a small depression since her rich son took her to a poor part of São paulo and put her in a home.

It infuriates me!!!

She cried when she saw my mum... she cried when she saw me...

I mean, my aunt was telling me that she cries a lot... The nurse said sometimes she cries at night in her bed.

I can't believe my mum's cousin did this to her!!

We took her to lunch for her birthday... She cried.

Relationships are strained.

Yesterday, I was with my dad's aunt and his cousin, and we went to Bauru for a bazaar type thing where lots of women in my family bring clothes, bag, shoes and jewelry to sell... it's basically a mass female family reunion. 

And all i wanna say now is, I know I'll never be a lesbian. Even though men are total idiots, tools and a lot of the time just screw with you (well, the young ones...), I can't stand women. I'd kill my partner in the second week if I became a lesbian... so I'm staying away from that road... Don't wanna end up in jail, you see...

If you ever want to feel lonely, useless, and totally out of place, like you don't belong... grab a group of women like the ones in my family, don't see them for four years, think that maybe now that you're grown up they'll treat you nicer, then get your expectations shot down.

I hung out with my uncles and a few of dad's guy cousins... Like, 4 of them...

Then I went out with my cousins, and watched my already drunk cousin get even more drunk... He asks the exact same questions like 200 TIMES!!!

Was alright...

Today, we came back from Bauru... 

I've realised that even though everybody loves me dad like crazy, we're still not as good as his brother. We just can't win.

I know I sound paranoid, but it's hurtful. And hard to explain.

I need a good night's sleep and a ticket back home, asap!

GAAAH!!!

I'll let you know more later.

this ain't a love song, this is goodbye

in brazil now, at my aunt's house...
have been on a plane for two days. i really want to go out!!!!
but i don't really know anyone.
man, i'm bored!

in frankfurt

yeah... we did some crazy route because it's cheaper.
this is ridiculous!

i mean, singapore, seoul, frankfurt, são paulo??
GAAAHHH!!

i wrote another song...
i learnt things about me. it's strange.
i kinda like this song, but i'm scared of what it says.
makes sense, huh?
it's 3 am in Aus... 8pm in Germany.

i like facebook.
goodnight.

am at the hotel in Korea

thought flying business class was a whole new experience, but we have been to the Sheraton before.
It is nice.
to get there an hour late and then take a nice shower...
I have serious ideas about what that shower should be used for.
But they're slightly inappropriate for blogging :P

I kinda wrote lyrics on the plane. I kinda like them.
Now all i need to do to keep them alive unlike all the other ones is to come up with an alright tune to it...
so far, NOT bad! YAAAAY!!!

Also, after watching all seasons of That 70s Show this past month, i can not take Ashton Kutcher seriously anymore... I mean, he's adorable and all and almost a good actor... but um, he'll ALWAYS sound like Michael Kelso to me.


Here's another thing... when i was younger, it was fine to sleep over at boys' houses and boys were allowed to sleep over too... and not only that, but they'd sleep on the floor in my room.

but now, no. Guys should not sleep over... in a different room. nothing. nada. not even a little bit.
*sigh*.
parents teach you the wrong thing.

and waiting in Korea

flight was nice.
don't really want to be here...
not only do i hate the idea of leaving again, i don't particularly like korea.

oh well, i'll be out in 24 hours.

what one thinks when boarding a plane...

WOOOOOO! Business Class!!  Go Daddy!!!!
                Yeah... that's right, slightly cute boy... you walk away!!     =P
If wonder if this whole plane has christmas decorations... maybe it's only in business class...?

Yes, yes, yes... put the oxygen mask on yourself first before assisting others...
we know...
Is it bad that i'm imagining the plane scene in Garden State?
                                                                         Speaking of which... I need to rewatch that movie.
OOooh
Almost Takeoff!! My nose is runny.
                          I LOVE travelling when I'm sick...
                                                         </sarcasm>

Didn't daddy think that maybe we'd be interested in sitting near the window? =P
     Oh... the light's gone out. How am I supposed to write!?
How inconsiderate!
   FRICK! MY REMOTE WON'T RETRACT!! Oh wait...
there's a button.
       Silly business class and no need to use force...

  I'mma gonna take a nap. My iPod playlist is called "direction", because that's what I'm looking for. It's got 750+ songs in it... Bands like The Kooks, The Shins, The Smiths, Sondre Lerche, Jeff Smith -
                         WOAH... Fast!! Feels like driving with James!    =P
Coldplay, Sleigh Bells, A Tribe Called Quest, MGMT, We are the Emergency, and lots of others... Will be a good trip.
Now. . . for that nap!               Oooh... Popping ears!

That's right... I wrote it all down as the plane was taking off. Because i'm cool and I have a life!!
I'm really tired... I've had three hours sleep. My eyes hurt.
Also, I have Jack's Mannequin, Something Corporate and Scouting for Girls on this playlist... yay.
owie.

off to visit the family..

oh yay.

there's one grandmother who has crazy moodswings, and the other isn't always in a good mood...
and THEN there's my dad's aunts! HAHAHAHA
I like one of them. The others can just shove it.
You know who else is dreadful? My aunt.
she's a pessimistic cow, who shuts down everyone's dreams then says she's being realistic.

They're gossipers and make rumours.
not the nicest of people, but some of them have kids in their 20s to late 30s... those guys are AWESOME!
My female cousins around my age...
not such great people. they're about the same as their mothers... actually, now that i think about it, each daughter is her mother's clone.
Each one about as fake as the last.
It's a lovely outlook on one's family, isn't it?
it's also part of the reason i prefer guys to girls! I mean, if you think about it...
How many girl bands stayed together for over 6 years?
(and i mean like the Spice Girls... with just girls)
and why is that? because girls are backstabbing little &!7(#%$...
*smileyface*
aaaanywho...

Maybe i can do something productive with my time?
I'll try my best!

I.HEART.MOSAIC.

It's a community where everyone's genuinely interested in you and care!!
YAY!!!
it's seriously already like family!
I feel so loved when I'm there!!

And I took a friend of mine, one who's not really into the whole church thing and stuff, but he liked it!
walking back home, we got to talking and he mentioned that it'd be fun to get to know everyone more when he goes again next time!
*headsplosion!*
He's REALLY not into religion or anything like that...
but the cool thing about mosaic is that it's natural, it's fun and it's free!
there's no set program, or dictated schedule!

I mean, it's incredible.
it's made someone who has never even really gone to a church actually think, "hey, i'd like to go back there. that seemed like a great time and a lot of fun"
it was also my one month anniversary at mosaic :D
There's just so much love it makes everyone feel welcome!

What if he ended up becoming a christian?
*heartsplosion!*
happy tears!

Ninja, kick that midget's ass!

Purple Rain is the PRINCE of all songs!
get what i just did there?

Things I have learnt from my non-brothers over leavers' week

Ryan: It doesn't matter that a person doesn't understand what you're implying when you're making fun of them, it's still hilarious! Also, that if something has been written on a setlist, it goes! :D

Owen Hopewood: <that in itself is funny!
How to turn a guitar into a stool, that life is always better when you're excited about everything, and how amusing it is when someone else's name gets misspelt.

Sean: BESTIE!!! When performing, to not use a "disclaimer"
Taught me that Superman can drop you off at a job interview :P

Bradley: What the best snares are made from, how, where, who buys them, and the importance of taking one's shirt off in the first set.

James: That the good days are the ones when you haven't died... from going 4-wheel-driving by holding onto the back of a 4-wheel-drive...
how to manage a band; how electricians and sound guys change their attitudes when there's a lady around; and how to better discourage authority! YAY!!

Jeff: That it's never "Dull" to listen to the same two songs repeatedly (see what i did there?); how to pluck up the courage to sing for the first time with a mic; that when you're super good on the guitar, you can pick up a ukulele and do whatever you want with it; and how in less than a month, it's all just like family...
and you and James also taught me how boys think, and just how socially retarded christian boys are.

Thanks for everything guys!
and for a great week!

if only they read my blog and actually knew how great it would be to have guys like them as brothers.

PS one day I'll think of that word.

deserve a nobel smartness prize!

I've have figured out the guy problem.
how to make all guys start treating girls better and stop being so pathetically in love with themselves!
(not that all guys do this, but they ever start to go back to their original setting, this is how a female can fix it)
tell him to think about this:
treat the girls the way you'd want your daughter to be treated by a guy.

unless they are severely unhinged and crazy, in which case, you should probably run very far away, this should work quite well, as many guys want the chance to be a father, and many guys would actually like to have a daughter.

see, secretly, they're all kinda caring and want someone that they can treat like a princess.

also, if he has a little sister who's at least 6 years younger than him and doesn't treat her like a little princess, that's just a little warning...
well, you know i can't stand siblings who ignore each other, so that might just be me...
who knows?

anyway, i think it's actually a pretty good idea.

kitty's sleeping on my elbow.

it's VERY hard to type this way...

so, just a quick run down:
This past week, i had my lit exam, wrote a lot...
cut my hair short, but not as short as i wanted it.

tuesday, went to a friend's house, swam, and then realised that some people are absolutely self involved and don't really understand the idea of serving someone or of caring about people.

wednesday was mum's birthday, she turned 54, i dressed up like a drag queen, then watched the midnight screening of harry potter...

which leads us into thursday.
did nothing! YAY!

Friday, french exam, photography exam, fell asleep in the car, got home, showered, got ready, went to graduation dinner, went to afters, ended up sleeping at afters and got elbowed in the face nine times, kicked in the butt twice, and had someone sit on my boob (i know, it makes no sense!)

today, have been staying awake as much as i can so that i can have a good night's sleep before leavers, but now i feel like i've ¿over-waked?
meh, have been organizing the list of stuff i need to take to dunsborough in my head, and have been getting chords for songs since, apparently, through no say of mine (which means: i have no say in this at all), I'm singing in the acoustic tent of The Zone.

fun, huh?

alrighty then...
TIME TO GET SOME SLEEP BECAUSE TOMORROW, I LEAVE FOR DUNSBOROUGH!

PS
i may also probably not have any internet connection, but i'll write up little tid bits and post them whenever i can... asap.

man, i'm tired.

i need a new phone charger.
must talk to dad about that.....
remind me to talk to daddy about that.
kthxbye

i wish i had the guts to tell you

how much i profoundly dislike you.

craving kebab

chicken kebab... with cheese and egg and sour cream...
*sigh*

yesterday was mum's birthday...
I waitered as a drag queen and got paid for it...
now, we have no food in the house and i haven't eaten since 11am.

as you can see, i have every right to be quite crabby.
i feel like killing certain people and hugging others...

mostly, i'm hungry.
GRR.

also, i'm tired of people acting all nonchalant just because they think it makes them cool... like,
"HEY! WE'RE GRADUATING!!! WOOOO!"
"meh, no big deal"...
WHAT!?
is that like, some kind of thing that says, i'm too cool to feel emotion...
too cool for excitement.
excitement shows weakness, fool!
well you know what, i'll tell you where you can shove your coolness!

*clears throat*
have a good night, and thank you for reading.

I desperately want a scooter.

my dad wants to buy me a car...
one, scooters are cheaper, and cute, and stuff...
I really want one!

This is my dream ^_^

but really, any scooter will do..
did you know that there's one that runs on electricity??
ALSO! I WANT THIS ONE!
http://www.vmoto.com.au/The-Range/Milan.html

sigh sigh sigh...

am i obsessed, you ask?
NO!
I just would prefer this to a car...
i'll just use mum's car when i need to.

YAY! EVERYBODY'S HAPPY!!

hiiiiii

i love my ukulele.
thank you all!!!

i hate exams

EVERYONE BUT ME SEEMS TO BE DONE, OR FINISHING BEFORE ME!!!
i'm not one to be nervous about exams but they seem to have sapped me of any goodness in my life and it's so annoying that i am actually freaking out a little.
it's retarded!
i just want it to end. it's taking too long!!
i can't even take in any information anymore!!

this is all i shall write tonight. then i hope to be free.
forever!!!!!!!!!!!

hardrive is still in my USB port and i've been dragging my laptop around... oops

i've been playing my ukulele in between tears today.
been contemplating non school related things in my future and things to do with friends.
at one point, was sitting in the middle of my room sobbing. my cat came to comfort me.
she's good like that.

i just read over that first sentence and realised how stupid it seems to play a ukulele when upset. like, a ukulele is a happy instrument, right?
whatever.

anyway, i feel lonely and pathetic a lot now.
i can't wait for exams to be over so that my mind can bother worrying about other things.

"hey now, the straw dog's out in the street"

i can't trust you

i tell you everything, and i listen to everything you want to say.
i ask you questions and make sure you feel okay.

but at the same time, i want to cry to you,
i want to tell you what's on my mind.

i'm just scared that when the tears come, you'll up and push me away.

and featuring...

i want to be specific in what i want in a guy.
i want there to be something out there to keep me accountable.
that i'd pick the guy i really want.

GUY:

must have a talent of sorts (whether or not he thinks it's there, just as long as he shares it with me)
must be able to be genuine and trust me
must feel comfortable around me
must be able to tell me how he feels
must be able to treat me like i'm precious
must have some sort of romantic aspect (whether it's sharing one secret or being overly romantic... does special little kind things)
must have some sort of ambition and passion
must not put me second to anything in his life, unless it's for my own good
must have a sense of humor
and good taste in cars.
must support my decisions and still be completely brutally honest with me (without hurting me... sounds like a trap, huh?)
he should be able to treat me with respect
he should be absolutely amazing at being seductive...
and kiss really well. :P
also, his family must love me.

and lastly, he must be taller than me.
much taller than me. well, not that much... just perfect. like enough for me to fit in his arms, and stuff.
and older...
and have nice hands.
and the most important one, must be someone i can trust and will look good in my grandfather's jumper.
cool.

today, i sat in front of you and i asked you.
you told me things most people probably don't know.
(but then, most people don't ask)
you lent me a hand to understand the way you are.
i had tears in my eyes as you told me about your dad.
but you were too busy to see me cry.

i hurt for you.

and now, all i want to do is take you home with me.
cuddle up to a movie.
bake you a cake. (whichever one you like best)
tuck you into bed, sing a lullaby over your dreams.
i want to hug you and hold you, let you know you're never alone.
make you breakfast in the morning.
french toast like you like it best. (of course, not too much cinnamon)
i want to look down at your hands and run my fingers over all the scars you have there.
over all the times you've worked hard, all the times you've been clumsy, and all the times you got angry.

i want to make you feel secure in the idea that i'm a friend that will always be there.
that i'm someone you can always count on.
because i think there's a part of my heart that belongs to you.

to comfort you.

family buzz

so, daddy bought me this white gold bracelet for graduation, but it looks so frail and delicate...
I was a bit upset because that meant i couldn't wear it all the time, and i really wanted to.
so i talked to mummy, and she had this idea,
she had wanted daddy to buy me a thomas sabo charm bracelet that she'd found, but he wanted to be the one to choose the bracelet, so he picked this one in Korea.
Anywho, mummy surprised me yesterday when i got back from my first exam and there it was!
A tiny little round Thomas Sabo box... I opened it to find that she had bought an Orange Converse Allstar charm!
now, i CAN wear it everywhere! :D

eyes were opened

even after a pretty darn good day,
i come home... all i can do is feel tired and lonely.

i can't wait till tomorrow, already got some stuff to do, and will bring you a video.
<3

god put a smile upon my face

I have never felt so light and so free.
I've just realised exactly what it is i'm passionate about and what it is i want to do.
i need to get this feeling down right now.
i'm smiling non stop and i'm crying too.
this is true joy.

okay, so I was just in the shower, and as many know, i take so long in the shower that i need to listen to music in order to be able to control how long i'm in the shower. anywho, I was listening to Brooke Fraser's song "Betty" when, as usual, i started to visualise a music video to it and the story within it.
That's when I started to cry.
I felt like i had come up with a great idea.
I felt so confident and comfortable. Not even the least bit scared.
And i see it now, God's put that desire in my heart.

I feel like He's given me the exact desire for what I want to do.
with no strings attached or conditions.
I want to be a Christian Music Video Producer/Director.

I know it sounds strange, but it's the perfect thing, and i feel really blessed to see it now.
I'm so happy.

I'm getting on it straight away, gotta start getting in touch right now!

adult decisions

i think i've chosen the right things for my future...
i think i've got that one right, at least.
i think i've chosen the right uni... it always makes me happy when i'm there...
i think it'll be okay.

sora's smiling at me from my bed...

"and heaven knows i'm miserable now"

the smallest things make me want to cry... and i've realised it's mostly because i feel really lonely most of the time.
sometimes i wish i had a brother.
with a brother, i could yell at him, kick him and love him and i wouldn't have to worry about him ever leaving my side because as my brother he'd have to love me.
i don't understand families where the siblings don't know anything about each other and barely talk at all... it just doesn't make sense to me when they say things like "i never see him!" or "i don't know! i don't talk to her!"
i know that many might really disagree with me, and they have every right to because i don't actually know what it's like to have siblings, but i do have some pretty close friends who are almost like brothers to me and i would LOVE to actually be able to see them all the time and chat with them all the time.

i guess it's because i'm actually pretty lonely...
sad isn't it?

holding hands is sacred

just wanted to make sure you knew that...
if not, well, now you have been informed.

after a long day... (almost typed "klong")

i've got a terrible headache.
and it turns out that i wake up people when they're sleeping.
oops.

i like the minty taste of toothpaste before bed... it's so lovely!

also, I LOVE the lyrics of "Walking By" by Something Corporate... it is SO poetic and beautiful...

yeah, i can't come up with anything.
My mum watches TV way too loud at midnight... and as much as i love Bewitched, Darrin's voice is extremely annoying!

(psssst... I secretly wish that my eyes were green... or that i had lighter eyes... or deep eyes... or eyes that caught peoples' attention... meh. i want prettier eyes)

i only mind how much and how fast he drinks but not the fact that he drinks... what i really do mind is that he smokes.

you know, if he hadn't been so drunk that night, he probably would've been able to tell that i was uncomfortable with the other boy...

i didn't even know that guy and the guy just kept touching me, and being all close to me. The guy wasn't even drunk! The guy only drank Fanta! Completely sober! it was nice to have someone pay attention to me, but it wasn't the person i wanted, and it certainly wasn't the way i wanted. especially not when he started hurting me. luckily i had a friend to assist me. got out of that one unscathed.

i had to keep leaving and going outside. i'd sit by a car, with my legs out on the road. I knew he saw me out there a few times on my own... but he was too drunk.  he was drunk twenty minutes in. if he didn't always change near people, i guess it wouldn't be too bad. but then he starts bragging about how much he's drunk and how fast, and i'm the one who's wanting to get sick.
Still, i don't mind that part too much. It is a stupid thing to do to yourself, especially as often as he does... but then there's the smoking.
that's just ridiculous! It's something that's disgusting, dangerous and really unattractive! i don't even want to imagine what his teeth are gonna look like if he keeps this up... stained from the smoke of the cigarette. to think i love his smile now... what then?
what i find funny is that it's a habit that EVERYONE knows can only cause bad things! why even bother starting?
secretly, i wish he'd stop. for me, you know? show me that he listens when i tell him things... that he'd rather be with me instead of smoking... that way he'd have to stop walking out with other people to smoke. he might actually notice when i'm not feeling okay. but he's always too busy outside. smoking.

i hate that.

i named it for a reason

i was extremely alone when my grandfather died last year. 

i was on exchange in america and got the news like this:

Host mother- your parents called while you were at school

me- oh?

HM- your grandfather passed away yesterday, in hospital

me- oh.

HM- well, they called earlier and told you he was in hospital, it's not like this was unexpected!

me- ... but it was.

i later proceeded to hide in the basement, sit in a weird chair and whimper. 

i've found that i'm actually a bit jealous of my family. 

Other than me and my grandmother (grandmother and I), everyone else seems to be completely over it. i never really see or hear anyone talking about it, everyone seems to have moved on and not given it another thought. maybe it's because they saw the grave, or something... i don't know. 

it seems like i'm stuck. like i'm in this hole and i can't get out. like every time i might get close to the opening i see a photograph, or i just simply get reminded that he's gone. the little things are different, and the big things are different too. 

i graduated and he's not around to call over skype and congratulate me. i just got a poem published in a book, and he'll never read it. 

it's never really going to be the same. 

i'm also jealous because my family spent more time with him. i was 2 when we left brazil and that's basically it. i'd say out of almost 15 and a half years of my life, i spent about 3 and a bit with him... not even. 3 and a bit in the same country... maybe!

yeah, i know... i've got lots of issues i need to get over. but who doesn't? of course, i've been informed by a dear friend that if freud was around he'd have a field day! 

why? just add my parental issues, my sibling, grandfathers' (both) deaths last year, the way both my grandmothers make me feel and my issues befriending other females, and he'd have his work cut out for him! talk about being stubborn. 

but hey, those people who've been "lucky" enough to get close enough to be my friends don't find that hard because i like to hide things. it actually makes life easier pretending like things haven't happened the way they have. 

if i like to hide things, why am i posting this on the internet? well, my dear reader... it's quite soothing actually and makes for interesting chit-chat!

not only that, but if my blog's called a family tree i should at least have a few personal family things on here, right? 

take a turn to the left... then run, shoplifter!

have made a study plan for human biology...
I figure i'll go with prewritten essays and ideas for other subjects, because, as my exams are fairly nicely spaced, i'll have enough time to "re-study" after this week.

I must admit, it's actually a tad depressing to think that i have to sacrifice a perfectly nice week to study and work my mind...
a lot of the time, i'm writing and writing and writing and i don't feel like i'm actually absorbing anything. it all feels robotic and preprogrammed... I wonder if that's going to affect my examination results... I wonder if I'm going to go into that exam, look at the questions, not know the answers but KNOW for certain that I studied it in depth.
That's a scary thought. it's worse than the idea of not knowing anything and going in there knowing that you're screwed and that it's a waste of three hours of your life.
three hours which you can use to practice your poetry skills :P

"when there's no where else to run... is there room for one more son (one more son)? if you can't hold on, if you can't hold on... hold on!"

The Killers are playing on my iTunes.

Also, I'm considering applying for a job at the apple store in the city. they told me to go in with a resumé and talk to a lady there after applying online. i'll get to it after exams if i think i'm up for it...
but i live 20 minutes (on a bus) from the city now, so i'll be alright.
(I'll probably ask them if they meant for macbook pros to have such sharp corners that when i lean my arms on it to type, i get giant red stripes that look like i've been cutting myself?)

I have just realised that I would not mind if more guys complimented by butt... I mean, I'm brazilian, and i'm not exactly a stick... i'm not exactly obese either, but i'm a bit more round... BUT (hehehe) I quite like it!
If I see you out on the street, i don't mind if there's not a not-so-subtle glance at my bum...
lol, i'm an idiot. AND I'm really tired.

Gah, EXAMS ARE EATING MY LIFE! AND MY IMAGINATION!

am listening to The Smiths

this is my first post.
it's strange and new to be doing this, but in honesty i'm awfully scared to put any of this on the interwebs. i mean, people can read stuff on here! but i'm okay with that.
for now.

it's going to be weird to have to actually keep writing something. I mean, i write a lot normally... but not for something. so i'm gonna teach myself discipline.

WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT!?
i don't know...

have you seen Garden State? it's a good movie... i like it.